There are plenty of ways to spice up your love life. From getting better at your foreplay moves to using toys, it’s never a bad idea to stop and reevaluate once in a while. Are you’re both feeling a bit stale and notice that you’re slowly losing your desire to have sex? Well then, there are plenty of things you can do to enjoy having sex with your wife again! Will a small guide to sexual roleplay with your wife do the trick?
Turns out role-playing is another way to bring novelty in the sack and it’s a helluva fun one too! Maybe some of you would think it’s weird, but I urge you to give it a chance because the potential results can be mind-blowing!
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, author of several books about sex and relationships, and a creatоr of the Sex & Psychology blog, has some nice things to say about this topic.
In an article about sexual novelty on his site, he says that “novelty in all forms (not just new partners) can breed sexual excitement.”
He goes on to say that according to research, couples that are in long-term relationships and that still maintain strong feelings about each other coupled with good sex life, are the ones who also tend to engage in new joint experiences and activities (and not just sexual ones) that help keep the passion alive.
“In other words, you can potentially stimulate that same level of sexual excitement that you might receive from a new partner by bringing more novelty into your relationship in other ways,” he says by the end of the article.
Let’s Talk a Bit About Sexual Role Playing Then
Well, role-playing is definitely one such activity – it’s fun, it’s hot, it’s versatile, and it’s a great way to get to know sides of your sexuality you’ve never had the chance to discover before.
Role-playing allows you to turn to the creative aspect of your sexuality once more like you might’ve done when you were younger or in the early days of your marriage/relationship. It helps you uncover your fantasies, live them out, see what turns you or your partner on, and all of this in the realm of make-believe.
That being said, implementing the role-playing routine might not be easy for some people out there. But no worries, that’s exactly why I created this article – to carefully guide you into the magical world of role-playing and give you an insight into how you can easily introduce it in your love life.
Here’s what you need to know.
Role-play is More Than You Think It Is
Many people think of sexual role-play as elaborate historical or professional costumes or an expensive porn set attire, but that’s actually a very small part of it. It’s much broader than that since it’s what you make of it.
There isn’t a proper definition of what role-playing is – it depends on whatever you and your partner are into. Whatever turns you on that involves a consensual sexual play.
Maybe you’re into cliches such as secretary and boss, nurse and doctor/patient, professor and student, plumber and housewife, or any kind of simple or elaborate scenario… But it can also be the making of a sex tape while being in character or wearing some sort of costume.
Maybe you’re into dominance and submission? The line between BDSM and role-play is often thin, and some BDSM practices can be considered as role-play as well.
Or, maybe you’re more into talking about your fantasy, which doesn’t necessarily have to be played out. Since sex is as much a brain thing as is a genital one, talking can be very sexy on certain occasions.
Basically, role-play can be considered to be anything that opens up space for you to express yourself in different ways sexually, whether it’s through personalities or special activities, as long
as it gets the job done and leaves you both satisfied in the end.
Keep it Simple (At Least in the Beginning)
Now, we’ve cleared out the part where you don’t need to consider role-play as anything extravagant or too thought over.
I mean, it can be as simple as “You’ve been a bad student today, you haven’t been following my instructions…” – just one line and you can set the whole thing in motion. All of this is most likely going to lead to what you usually do – intercourse – but it will have that little extra edge around it which makes all the difference.
Of course, if elaborate make-up, scenarios, and costumes are your things, then, by all means, go for it! I’m just trying to tell you you can start with a lot less.
Don’t Pressure Yourselves
Different people get aroused by different stuff and activities, and that’s perfectly normal since we’re all different.
So, when trying role-play, make sure both of you don’t pressure yourselves too much into making it the most fun, sexiest time ever. If you’re trying to make it perfect from day one you just risk ruining the excitement and fun that may come out of it.
It’s best to enter a field of sexual novelty without too many expectations in your mind. Just look at it with the lightness of play, which basically is precisely that – a variety of new ways to play with each other in the bedroom.
And don’t get discouraged if you feel like you’ve done something wrong – fell out of character or messed up the script or burst out laughing – it’s actually good to laugh at yourself. Just allow yourself room for mistakes and don’t expect perfection.
If this doesn’t float your boat after trying it a couple of times, then ditch it. Find something else that will work for the both of you and will get you where you ultimately want to be – sweaty and post-orgasm.
Feel Free to Experiment With Your Appearance
Maybe you have several fantasies you want to play out, maybe you’re not sure what you want.
Either way, it’s a good idea to play with different looks and see which of the characters and personalities you want to embody work for the both of you.
As I said earlier, you don’t need to worry about exquisite costumes. All it takes is a different hairstyle or growing your beard, a new bra, or a new skirt for your wife.
You can even just put on jeans and put on a hat, pretending you’re a cowboy or get some dark glasses and use your secret agent codename.
Just honor the desire you have to temporarily exit yourself and exist in someone else’s shoes.
Don’t Underestimate the Power of Words As Well
I also mentioned earlier that role-play can be about words too, as some people may actually prefer this.
All you need to do is go with the flow – come up with a simple scenario, a story, a character, activity, and roll with it.
Talk like the character you want to be with your partner – you don’t even need to be touching her to make her aroused and get aroused yourself.
Just consider the vague context of your made-up world and from then on it’s super easy.
If you don’t know where to start, why not start with your favorite TV shows, films, or books?
Maybe you’re a huge Mad Men fan? And you get turned on by the mere thought of being in a 1960’s setting, or more precisely, an advertising office in the middle of Manhattan?
Well then, use it! Become Donald Draper, have your wife play his wife Betty Francis, or a new mistress maybe?
Of course, it helps if you’re both fans of the particular show or book, so you can both get into it faster.
But, there’s no harm if you want to introduce your wife into it or she into something she likes – it’ll be a good way to get to know each other even better and maybe even see why you like what you like.
A good way to start is to watch a couple of episodes from the show and then head straight to the bedroom! Start enacting your favorite characters, scenes, or just using the atmosphere of the show as a starting point.
Use the Cliches To Tailor Them How You Like
Cliches are not always a bad thing. Role-play cliches such as the ones I mentioned above – doctor-patient/nurse, boos-secretary/employee, student-professor, can all be used as starting points.
They’re often used because they’re very common in real life, and embody the dynamics of power very successfully, both in the bedroom and outside of it.
But you can also give them a little twist if you don’t like to do it the old fashioned way. If you, let’s say, want to use the boss-secretary fantasy, you can turn it over.
You can make the boss powerless in the situation, you can make him be seduced by the secretary or even blackmailed by her.
You can make millions of these shifts in lots of common scenarios and give them a bit of edge along the way.
Think About Why a Particular Fantasy Turns You On
Consider the elements of your fantasy – deconstruct it a little bit. Try to find out what it is that turns you on about a particular fantasy, what are the elements that are most exciting for you and most pleasurable.
Even if you and your wife have the same fantasy, it doesn’t mean that you’ll get off at the same cues.
For example, let’s say you and your partner have a doctor-nurse fantasy. One of you may be turned on by the subordinate relationship the nurse has towards the doctor. The other may be turned on by the sheer doctor coat or the short nurse skirts.
Maybe one of you will like the dependency upon the other, or the notion of secrecy the doctor-nurse affair entails.
Whatever it is, just communicate it. Never forget to share your fantasies and the details surrounding them to your partner. Tell them why you’re particularly aroused by a certain fantasy and tell them which part of it you like most of all.
This way it’s easier to stay on point and suck out the pleasure you have from your favorite fantasy.
Use What You Already Have
It’s a good idea to use the basis of whatever type of sexual, foreplay, or romantic routine you already have into your new role-play activities.
Maybe you like to give massages to your partner every night. Why not turn that into an erotic massage scenario where you’re the hot masseuse and she’s the one looking for a steamy favor?
You can get massaging oils, set up the atmosphere of the room with candles and flowers, and you’ll have a massage parlor in no time.
Know What Makes You Uncomfortable
In sex, it’s important to have boundaries and to know exactly what makes you uncomfortable.
So, before setting to embody a certain role or a scenario, make sure to think about the uncomfortable aspects of it that might emerge during sex (although, don’t let that hinder you from the role-play itself).
Maybe it’s a playing out that includes a BDSM sort of power dynamics and exploring sensations of pain as a source of sexual pleasure.
Whatever it is, it’s a good idea to make a list of what you’d consider being ok with and what you’ll say no to.
If you’re not sure about something, write a “maybe”, and if it comes up during sex and it does make you uncomfortable, just use a safe word (that you’ve agreed upon) or simply stop and say no.
Use Frustrating Situations from Your Life to Subvert Them in The Bedroom
Actually, this is one of the best ways of blowing off some steam. Sex is known anxiety and stress reducer, and so why not use it for, let’s say, work-related issues and daily frustrations?
For example, you can play out a recent scenario from your office where your boss or colleague was being a jackass.
So in your sex play, you can turn it around – you can switch the power dynamics and tell your boss or colleague what you didn’t have the chance to communicate that day. Or you can be the boss yourself.
And you can use these bedroom power play scenarios for any shitty encounter you have in your daily life if you see it works for the both of you.
How to Introduce Role-Play In Your Marriage
I mentioned a couple of times throughout the text that you don’t need to reenact the Venetian carnival in your bedroom in order to “successfully” introduce role-play in your love life.
We always tend to complicate things, don’t we?
Well, one of the things I learned in my adulthood is that things are usually simpler than they appear to be. The same goes for role-playing.
Stick to the Basics
Fantasy and role-play are about intensifying your sexual pleasure, not making it harder on you.
So, for starters, forget about finding the perfect costume that’ll be an identical match for your fantasy character.
If that’s part of the excitement, then sure, surrender to the quest, but if it’s a nuisance then it’s not worth it and it just might seem intimidating.
Start Slow and Easy, and Don’t Forget to Be Reassuring
People rarely have the starting confidence to talk about sex easily. Even people who have been married for a decade or longer, still find it hard to talk about sex with their partners.
This is perfectly understandable. A lot of people are anxious about sharing details, fantasies, desires and sexual needs with their spouses because they’re afraid they’ll be judged, shamed, and sometimes even thought of as abnormal.
Some people fear that their partners might interpret this as a way of telling them they’ve not managed to satisfy them all these years.
It’s a tricky terrain because sex is always a delicate subject – the more you talk about it, especially from a personal perspective, the more vulnerable and insecure you become, and that’s not something a lot of people want to be, even in front of their closest companions.
And that’s why you have to be really careful when you and your partner want to start talking about sexual novelty and role-playing ideas.
Make sure you’re being reassuring towards your partner – tell her that you love what you have, that you enjoy your sex life, and that you also love when you try new things together.
Then you can ask her if she feels like talking about deeper sexual topics, such as what turns you own, your sexual fantasies and so on. But the key is to start slow and ease your way into these types of talks.
Consider using specific phrases
Esther Perel, a leading psychotherapist on sex and relationships, suggests you use the following phrases as an easier way to start the dialogue:
- “You know what, we’ve never talked about this and I’m really nervous…”
- “I’ve been doing this course, please don’t make fun of me – I would love to talk to you about it.”
- “Are you open to talking about what turns you on?”
- “I’m really curious about what you like…”
Now, there are also people that find it easier to talk about this stuff in writing, or on the phone.
You can also do it that way if it’s too intimidating to do it face to face at first.
However it is, Esther suggests you do it as soon as you can. The more time you spend overthinking it and delaying it, the less confident you will be in talking about it. You also risk becoming more and more frustrated as time goes by.
Don’t Stop Talking and Don’t Stop Experimenting
Once you share your first fantasies and role-play ideas, and you become generally more confident and able to talk about it more openly, it gets much easier.
Don’t forget to check on where you are at the moment – are you both comfortable in what you’re doing, do you want to try something else, do you want to try again the thing you were trying so far?
Perel suggests you use both action and words. Be the first one that’s going to try out the role-play fantasy. Knock on your bedroom door and tell your college “professor” that you want to consult on your grade.
If you come upon initial rejection or even shaming, don’t give up and don’t get discouraged.
Maybe your partner needs a bit more time to get into it. Maybe she’d like to talk it out more.
However, it is, be sure to stay willing, reassuring, and responsive towards your partner, and encourage them to do the same.
Do it In the Confines of Your Own Mind as Well
There’s nothing wrong with imagining a different “you” while you’re having sex with your partner.
This is especially viable if it gets you going and it makes you more confident, as well as if it helps you get aroused and enjoy having sex more.
You can be taller or a shorter version of yourself, you can have brown eyes instead of blue, you can have hair if you don’t, and grow a full beard if you regularly shave.
You can be skinnier or more muscular, you can be a lumberjack or a delicate perfume maker, really, the options and combinations are endless.
That being said, if you’re in dire need of ideas, I suggest you look at these 7 thought-provoking roleplay scenarios. Can’t hurt, can it?