How to be a Good Submissive in a BDSM Relationship

If you’ve brushed shoulders with the world of BDSM, chances are you’ve encountered the term ‘submissive’. It’s one part of the dominant/submissive binary. The dominant is the one who takes charge in the sexual relation or the erotic play and also the one who is in control. Now, the submissive is the total opposite of that – someone who likes to relinquish control of their body (to a certain extent and always consensual), as well as please their dominant partner.  

The ultimate goal is to achieve pleasure or satisfy one’s sexual urge. If you’re reading this, it means you’ve already tinkered with these BDSM terms, and being submissive has somehow tickled your fantasy. Maybe you’ve already tried being submissive in the bedroom, but feel like you’re not doing something right and you want to learn how to be a good submissive in your BDSM relationship.

Well, the good news is, folks, you’ve come to the right place! Here, I’m going to give you advice on how to become the best submissive you can. 

How to be Submissive in Bed?

First of all, there isn’t a right or wrong submissive. Sure, there’s giving up of control; the obedient behavior must be present to form the core of a dominant/submissive BDSM relationship – I’m not saying otherwise. But, the rest is much more free jazz than you might think. It basically depends on what gets both of your juices flowing! 

Before you start acting out the role of the submissive, you have to remember that there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Wanting to be submissive and wanting to participate in a BDSM relationship is not ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal’ or ‘amoral’ behavior. It’s just sex play, and as long as it’s consensual, you have nothing to worry about. 

BDSM is the second most common sexual fantasy, folks. If you don’t believe me, then trust Justin Lehmiller, a leading scholar in the field of sexuality studies who spent years and years researching the topic of sexual fantasies. 

Can You Have a BDSM Relationship Outside the Bedroom? 

Of course, you can! It might even be a good way to practice being a good submissive in the bedroom. Or, you know, you can do it outside of it, without any (explicit) sexual contact, if it still tickles your fancy and your senses in any way. 

So, once you’ve covered the basics of safety in BDSM, boundaries, using a safe word, and very importantly – consent, you’re good to go. You can try and play power games even outside the bedroom. 

Now, let’s take a look at some of the best (and sexiest!) ways you can do this together.

Dom Worshipping

Also called “dominant worship”, it’s a type of sexual roleplay where the submissive devotes the whole day to fulfilling the wishes and whims of the dominant (dom). So, as a submissive, you will devote all your attention to the dom that day (or a series of days if you want). 

You can, for example, dress in their favorite clothes, give them massages, make their favorite dishes, give them oral sex. Also, the dom will have full control of how your day goes, and they will get to choose what happens throughout it. The sub shouldn’t expect to receive any attention at all. 

Slave Training

This is another way you can enter the dom/sub dynamic easily. And, you can also use it outside the bedroom because it works both in and outside of sex. Look at it as a game with its own sets of rules that you must follow (consensually, of course). 

What are these rules? Well, it should look something like this: 

  • The sub mustn’t speak unless the dom wants them to speak. 
  • Eye contact isn’t allowed unless the dom says so.
  • The sub can’t do anything of their own free will. 
  • The sub must obey instructions and do everything the dom tells them to do. 

As I mentioned above, both sides must first agree on what’s allowed and what isn’t in this game. Also, they should have a safe word in case some situations turn uncomfortable or even painful for either side. 

Prove Your Devotion to the Dom

This is especially helpful to try at the beginning of your dom/sub relation. You can come up with a full list of what you’re ready to do for the dom. 

You can include both sexual and non-sexual stuff. Like, for example, you can write “I allow for my dom to have anal sex with me”, or “I allow my dom to make me do all the chores in the house for the whole week.” 

You can also write stuff like “I will wear cuffs while I wash the dishes” or “I will put on a collar and wear it the whole day.”

It’s a sexy way to have a conversation about your boundaries, and also to take the dom/sub relationship outside the bedroom. 

Picking How You Get to Be Punished 

Punishment is often at the core of the dom/sub relationship. Similarly to making a list of what you’re willing to do for the dom, you can also make a list of what punishments you want to endure if you go wrong somewhere or you don’t show enough respect for the dom. 

Also, the dom can come up with their own sets of punishments, and if they’re okay with you too, then you can include them in the play. 

You can find out more about punishment ideas and BDSM in my special article on the topic. 

These are some of the punishment ideas you can use next time you start your dom/sub game:

  • Orgasm denial – so, if you prove an unworthy sub, you will be denied orgasm until you prove yourself decent enough.
  • Name-calling – if you do something wrong, the dom is allowed to call you names. The specifics of this name-calling depend on the two of you. You can agree to certain terms or you can say anything is allowed and then use a safe word if it gets out of hand. 
  • Using nipple clamps – both men and women can use nipple clamps if it’s something that excites them. So you can implement them in your punishment codex, regardless of who’s the dom and the sub in your relationship at the moment. 
  • No contact allowed – in this case, the sub mustn’t touch the dom in any way. Sometimes they also may not be allowed to talk to them. In some scenarios, this applies to certain surfaces too. 
  • Spanking – this is a good, old BDSM punishment that’ll never lose its charm. All you have to do is choose your favorite punishment item. Whether it’s a paddle, a whip, a belt, or the dom’s own hand, you will have the perfect means to correct a misbehaving sub. 
  • Starting a task all over again – repetition is the key to learning right? So the next time you as a sub make a mistake, you will have to repeat whatever you’ve been doing from the very beginning. 
  • A task you will need to perform – this will be a specific task that you will have to do if you make a mistake. It can be sexual or not, it depends on how you agree. For example, it may be related to performing a particular sexual act, like oral sex, or doing something mundane like the laundry or the dishes. 

Ask for Permission 

This means asking for permission every time you want to do something, even it’s as simple as going to the bathroom. Of course, again, it all needs to be consensual and pre-negotiated. 

In the bedroom, this can be connected to asking the dom whether you can take off your clothes, or put them on. You can also ask for permission if you may touch the dom on a particular spot, or at all. 

The sub can also ask whether they’re allowed to orgasm or not. It’ll depend on the dom when and how, and whether if at all they will be allowed to do so. 

Also, if you want to move or change a sex position, you would need to ask for permission. Again, all of this should be agreed upon before you set out to do it, so you don’t end up doing something you’re not comfortable with. And when I say not comfortable, I mean it in a non-BDSM sense. 

Do the Chores Your Dom Assigns 

Of course, it goes without saying already, that you should have established boundaries before you set out to follow your dom’s instructions. 

Now, you can play the ‘chore game’ daily, a couple of times a week, or you can make it a one-time-only. It’s up to you. 

In the chore game, your dominatrix assigns you one or several types of chores. And when I say chores, I mean both literal chores, and other types of chores, like sexual stuff. For example, the dom can assign you to clean the house or clean the dishes for a week. Or she can tell you to give her oral sex every day at 20:00 (with or without a designated time). 

Also, if you want to make it extra playful, the dominatrix can give you some special criteria regarding your choices. For example, she might tell you that you need a special outfit to do a particular chore. Or she might give you a time frame in which you have to finish doing something. 

In the end, the dom can come and inspect to see whether you’ve done everything correctly. If not, she might choose to punish you somehow. 

Bondage and Restraint

If you’re a type of sub who likes to be tied up, then by all means try it out. Bondage and restraint are one of the sexiest and basic BDSM ways a dom can show their dominance over the submissive. 

You can have just your feet or only your hands or all of your limbs tied up in all sorts of different ways. Tape, ropes, cuffs, a whole restraint system (under the mattress restraints, suspended ropes, and restraints, etc.)… we’re living in the golden age of BDSM items so you can choose as you like! 

Your dom will have the final word when you get to be released (with pre-negotiated boundaries and a safe word, of course). 

Roleplay

Roleplaying is a great way to practice BDSM with your wife. It makes it easier to embody dom and sub roles because it offers an already built-up structure that you can fill in as you like afterward. 

You can choose any type of role and scenario you’re comfortable with, especially if you’re just starting. For example, you can pick your favorite TV show characters or favorite book characters and enrich them with your individual charm. 

Here are some ideas you can use for BDSM roleplay: 

  • Detective and a suspect (or criminal)
  • Doctor and nurse
  • Professor and a college student 
  • A celebrity and a fan (or an assistant) 

And then others you can find in my special article on the topic. 

Have Your Dom Come Up With Conditional Rewards

Conditional rewards are, basically, rewards with a catch. As a sub, you get to be rewarded, but there’s still some kind of punishment within this reward. Say, you’re allowed to do whatever you want during the day or night (whether it’s sexual or not), but you have to wear a butt plug the whole time. 

Final Thoughts 

The great thing about BDSM dom and sub play is that you get to be super creative. I mean the way the sub behaves, and the way the dom behaves all depend on your own internal sexual and couple dynamics, as well as the boundaries you set, and the things you’re willing to do. 

There isn’t only one prescribed scenario about the relationship between a dom and a sub in BDSM. It’s always being tailored after your own making. And that’s the best part of it! 

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