Everybody has some kind of role during sex, whether they like to admit it or not. That’s because sex has a lot to do with power and with that, control. Some people like to lead more, be more dominant and controlling, and some want to be more passive. Others have it pretty well managing both roles relatively equally. But, there are also couples that aren’t always comfortable with their roles in bed. One of the partners wants to be more dominant, but the other wants the other to take the lead as well. However, nobody says anything in the end, and unfortunately, years pass while spouses are quietly frustrated under the sheets.
Did you recognize yourself somewhere in this description? Do you want to take more initiative once you hit the sack? Well, then you’ve come to the right place and the only thing you can do is stay to find out how to be dominant in bed.
Sex roles don’t always come naturally to us
That’s right. Not everyone feels comfortable demonstrating their preferred roles, or even experimenting, in the bedroom. The reasons can be many: strict, conservative, or religious upbringing, poor communication about sex with your partner, not exchanging ideas about each other’s desires and needs…
But, you’re here because you want to change that and this is a great place to start!
What do we mean when we say someone is sexually dominant in bed?
Sexual domination is part of BDSM practices. When someone is sexually dominant in bed it means they behave in a way that establishes control over the other, submissive partner. Dominant and submissive can’t exist without one another.
For someone to be dominant, the submissive needs to willingly (consensually) relinquish control during sex (sometimes or always, depending on the preferences and your individual agreement).
A whole range of behaviors defines the dom (short for dominant) and sub (short for submissive) relationship. It can be as simple as coming on certain body parts (like the breast or the mouth, for example), or something more elaborate like coming up with whole scenarios of slave vs. master roles and behaviors.
Here I’m going to talk about the dominant side of the sub/dom relationship. If you’re interested more in the role of the sub, then check out my other article on the topic.
A thing or two you should know about being (more) dominant in the bedroom
If you want to embody the dominant one in the sexual relationship you have with your partner, the first thing you have to know is that you shouldn’t do it by force. If you feel like that kind of role has been thrust upon you, then maybe it’s time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your partner about it.
Being dominant in the bedroom should be something that you want as well and not just your partner. If you feel uncomfortable using dirty talk, being always in charge, or being commanding to your spouse, then consider other types of sexual roles or role-playing that might suit you better.
What are some dominant acts that you may have already done in the bedroom?
Dominant acts come in all shapes and sizes.
- Using dirty talk (telling her what you’re about to do to her).
- Being assertive and instructing her what you want her to do (to you or to herself).
- Putting her in a certain position – throwing her on the bed, laying her against the floor or the wall.
- Using bondage techniques and items such as ropes, cuffs, ties, tapes. Tying her up on your bed.
- Ripping her clothes off (just not her favorite clothes, or you’re in trouble). Take some old stockings or lingerie specially bought to be ripped off, instead.
- Stimulating her without giving her an orgasm. Giving her an orgasm when you want it.
- Using sensory deprivation like a blindfold, or a gag ball.
- Using roleplay and making her dress up and embody a certain character of your will.
The dominant/submissive divide is one of the key concepts in BDSM. And everybody that’s delved in a little BDSM knows how important boundaries are when it comes to this kind of erotic and sex play.
That’s why it’s always a good idea to discuss with your partner what’s allowed in the bedroom and what isn’t, as well as about some of the potential grey zones.
Talking about what you want to do helps visualize the whole thing in more detail and navigate the dos and don’ts more easily depending on the sex play you’re engaging in. The good thing about all of this is that it can also be a very sexy activity, where you recount your desires and plans on what you want to do to each other later on in the evening.
13 Ways You Can Be Dominant in Bed
Being dominant in the bedroom doesn’t mean that you have to be one outside of it too. The great thing about sex is that it allows you to be creative, leave that self you inhabit from day to day and turn into something totally different. Like a sex god, for example!
That said, next, I want us to take a look at the best ways you can be dominant in bed. Here I’m going to give you some tips and pointers on how to be a true dom man who’s able to show his partner who’s the boss when it comes to sex!
1. Start With Small Behavior Changes
So, if you have a hard time tuning into your dom role, but really really want to do it nevertheless, what you can do is start slow.
You don’t need to become all leather, whips, and chains right away (in fact, few of us ever do).
Instead, try to introduce small changes in behavior. You can use some traits you consider dominant in yourself, but that you often keep hidden for some reason.
This can be something like the tone of voice, speaking louder and with more authority. Or it can mean using certain phrases, like ordering around or using more of the imperative.
If you think your partner will appreciate this radical change and find it believable, go for it and do it the best you can.
2. Harness the Power of Dirty Talk
Dirty talk is your friend. So don’t be afraid to use it whenever necessary. Use it before sex, use it during sexting, use it as a way to establish dominance and anticipation even hours before you get to see each other and have sex.
But, be sure to ask your wife about the kind of dirty words she prefers over others. Like, for example, she might like to be called “whore” instead of “slut”, or “slut” instead of “bitch”. You know what I mean.
If you need some inspiration, turn to some dirty erotic novels or short stories. Or just pick up some lines from porn. But, if you feel you’re not really good at dirty talk, take a look at my guide on how to get the hang of it better.
3. Include Words That Make You an Authority Figure
Here I mean words like “Sir”, “Master” and, of course, the old classic – “Daddy”. As you may already know, sex is as much about words and fantasy, as it is about physical touch. So using these kinds of “authority figure” words immediately gives your character a charge of dominance and assertiveness.
Of course, these are not the only words you can use. If you have your own more appropriate options, then, by all means, include them!
4. Use the Weight of Your Body
That’s right. This is one of the easiest ways you can establish dominance in the bedroom! Sure, you can also always tie your partner up, but that’s not always necessary.
You can just take her arms and put them behind her back when you kiss her. Or you can put them above her head when you enter her. You can use your own hands as cuffs!
Another thing that you can do is hold her against a wall, or even lift her a little bit. Just grab her buttocks and lift her up against the wall. You know, a little bit, like they do in the movies.
5. Affirm Your Wife’s Actions
Encourage your wife that what she’s doing is sexy by saying “Good girl”, or “I’m so impressed by how dirty you can be”. It’s a way of making her feel she’s a good sub and it enhances the mood. Also, it establishes your authority even further.
6. Confidence Is Everything
If you want to be a proper dom, you have to exude confidence!
Once you’ve established and consented to what’s allowed and what isn’t, it’s time to practice your confidence levels and give them a boost. What does this mean?
Well, it means that you won’t hesitate when you do something (but you’ll respect the safe word should your wife say it). It can also mean getting what you want (within the agreed limits, of course).
Sometimes, it can also mean hours of preparation being the dom, like grooming, choosing particular clothes, or sex toys, and similar items that can be used during sex (like ties, scarfs, blindfolds, and the like).
7. Be the Initiator
Initiation comes with confidence. So, as you develop your confidence levels as a dom, you also need to develop your role as an initiator.
This can mean different things. One of the easiest ways to do it is to just go with the flow – if you feel like doing something sex-related, do it, or at least suggest it. Tell your wife – “I want us to have sex right now.” and bring her to the bedroom or wherever you want to have sex. Cement your assertiveness with “And I just won’t take no for an answer.”
Of course, it will work only if you’ve agreed that ad-hoc suggestions like this are okay with both of you.
8. Command Her
This is another easy way to establish dominance. Just tell your partner what to do, it’s as simple as that.
It can mean stuff like instructions on how to take off her clothes, or what sexual acts to do. It can also mean when she’s allowed to have an orgasm and when she needs to stop stimulation.
You can make this more elaborate by coming up with a set of rules or boundaries. Like, you can say to your wife that she mustn’t touch you unless you specifically tell her to. Or you can make her as for permission anytime she needs to do something during sex (or outside of it, if you spread the game further).
9. Pull Her Hair
Hair pulling is an oldie, but goldie. For all I know, you may have already done it! If yes, then congrats, you have entered dom territory.
Provided that your wife’s into it, hair pulling can be a very sexy activity. It’s very easy to do, and yet it’s very controlling and very suitable for power play. What’s more, if you do it right, it doesn’t have to be painful (unless your wife wants it to be, of course).
What you can do is go with your fingers through her hair, and lay your palm against her scalp. After that, make a fist. That way you won’t pull at her hair from the tips (which makes it more painful and uncomfortable). It gives you plenty of control and it says “I got you, I want you, you’re mine and you’re going to do as I say.”
10. Tie Her Up and Tease Her
Another classic way to show dominance is to tie your lady up. You can talk about the ways she wants to be tied beforehand and choose your preferred BDSM bondage tool.
My suggestion is to try under the mattress bed restraints. It’s easier than bondage, but also pretty edgy since all of your partner’s limbs are being tied in the process.
Then you can start teasing her. You can practice edging and you can leave her begging for an orgasm. Ultimately, however, you’ll be the one calling the shots on when or whether at all she’ll be having one.
11. Don’t Allow Her to Masturbate (Masturbation Ban)
Putting your partner on a masturbation ban is another possible way to be dominant in bed. It’s another way of taking control of your wife’s orgasms.
If you’re just starting out, then tell her she’s not allowed to masturbate for three days. Or, you can tell her she can’t do it for an entire week. It’s a sexy way to show her who’s the boss, while also making her focus all her sexual energy on your next sexual encounter.
12. Try Roleplay
Whether you’re just starting out to play the dominant guy in sex, or you’re already a veteran in the field, roleplay can always come in handy.
That’s because roleplay allows you to lose yourself in a character of your own choice. And that gives you the freedom to channel any suppressed dominant energy.
13. Harness the Power of Dominant Positions
This one is pretty simple – just choose sex positions that are more dominant. And it’s not really even about physically overpowering your dom. It’s more about the control of movement you have in a particular position.
Missionary is, of course, one of the most famous dominant positions. If you’re bored by it, there are ways to spice it up. Another dominant sex position is the beloved doggy. You can also tell your partner to lay flat on the floor or the bed and take her legs upwards, put them on your shoulders (or put one of them on your shoulder), which is another dominant position out of the many you can try.
Basically, anything where you’re on top and/or you have more control of the motion will do the trick.
As you can see, there’s plenty of things you can do as a dom in the bedroom. You can always use these scenarios, tips, and tricks, or come up with your own. It’s always a good idea to let your imagination run wild!