Are you going through a particularly dry spell with your wife? Has she lost the desire for sex? Or simply put: your wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore?
I mean, since you’re here, I assume things have gotten pretty barren between the two of you, and it’s time to at least understand how this desert came to be in the first place.
You must’ve wondered “Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex (anymore)?”. You may even start to question yourself – “Is it something I did? Is she lacking something, am I not being good enough in bed?”
The truth is a tad more nuanced than that. There are actually tons of reasons why your wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore, and it probably has nothing to do with how you perform in bed.
So, what are the reasons – why is it that your wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore? Whether it has happened all of a sudden or it has been developing gradually, we’ll try to answer this question in the next section of this article.
By the way, I just wanna tell you that I won’t discuss how to make your wife initiate sex more. That’s something I covered in the next article, so be sure to check it out as an accompanying piece to this one!
Why is My Wife Not Interested in Me Sexually
Women’s sexual desire fluctuates over the years, just as it does with men. Reasons for this can range from less serious to more serious. It can be related to hormones, life events, relationship troubles, etc.
Here I’m going to give you the 8 most common reasons why your wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore. By knowing them maybe you’ll get to identify them with your partner so you can both proceed to get to the bottom of it together.
1. She’s Really Stressed Out
It’s no wonder I put this first – stress is arguably the no. 1 enemy of sex, and that goes for both men and women!
Listen to the professionals if you don’t believe me. Even though sex can be a great way to reduce stress, sometimes this sort of falls into a loop and distorts itself – stress can then become the reason why couples stop having sex in the first place. Numerous studies and articles have been written about this.
And, it turns out that acute stress is actually more detrimental to your sex life than chronic stress. Don’t take this for granted though – ultimately they’re both bad and you should aim to reduce stress in your lives as much as you can.
And the reasons for stress nowadays are practically endless! From the ongoing health crisis, to the looming economic crisis and the hazards coming (and yet to come!) from climate change, to the smaller scale stressors that come from work and our family lives.
Try asking yourself the following:
- Has your wife experienced a recent upheaval with her family and siblings?
- Has she been complaining about how dissatisfied she is from her job or how she’s been treated at her workplace?
- Has she complained that her workload is just too big?
- Is she working two jobs?
- Is she currently transferring from one workplace to another?
- Has she been promoted and received a handful of new obligations and responsibilities?
- Has she been fired from her job?
- Has she returned back to school and is working at the same time as well?
- Are you two having some financial issues?
If you manage to answer “Yes” to even one of them, then maybe stress indeed is the reason why your wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore.
2. She’s Depressed
Depression is another major libido-killer, and it’s actually very prevalent. More and more people become depressed as a result of our high-paced lifestyles, illnesses, alienation, armed conflicts, etc., which is why it’s deemed as a disease of modernity.
WHO estimates that around “264 million people of all ages suffer from depression,” and they also claim that, overall, women are more affected by it than men. A study showed that in 2012 the difference between the global prevalence of depression between men and women was 5.8% and 3.6%, respectively, steadily increasing from research done in 2000 and 2010.
Another study says that depression is “nearly twice as common in women as it is in men” and that “as many as 21 percent of women will experience major depression at some point.” So, your wife’s lack of libido might actually be a telltale sign of a depressive episode.
Depression can be triggered by a number of life events and situations. It can be a result of childhood trauma or other type of adult trauma and PTSD. It can come and go with time (this is what’s known as “recurrent depressive disorder”).
Or maybe your wife has recently had a loss in her family – maybe a family member died or is very ill. Maybe she herself is facing health issues. Maybe you’ve been having unresolved issues that have been lingering for years. Maybe they’re ones you’re not willing to admit or ones that you haven’t been so conscious about.
Or maybe your wife is already taking antidepressants? They can also meddle with sexual desire, according to research.
3. She Feels Like You’re Taking Her for Granted (aka She Feels Underappreciated)
Okay, so this one’s on you mate.
But you’d be surprised: lots of couples actually fall into this trap. At first, all is well. The sex is great, you can barely wait to get your clothes off of each other. Heck, you even do it a couple of times a day!
And then as the years go by and your relationship progresses, you start to become comfier with each other… well, that’s it. You start to become comfy with each other!
Don’t get me wrong. This in itself is not a bad thing. It’s bad when it enters your sex life and you start treating your wife like she has to sit on your dick every time it gets hard. Well, newsflash buddy. She doesn’t, and she won’t.
Try asking yourself when was the last time you tried to seduce her besides the 5-minute foreplay? When was the last time you put even minimal effort into getting her hot and wet, getting her in the mood as well? Because, as you know, desire doesn’t usually spring out of nowhere. Sometimes you have to work at it to wake it up.
Many men forget that foreplay is still on the menu and should be brought around almost always. You need to make your partner feel wanted and valued for your contributions to your relationship. What good does it do if you treat em like a sex toy?
Dissatisfaction with traditional gender roles
Think about it: is your wife doing all the stuff around the house? Are you both playing the traditional male-female gender roles? I mean, this is okay as long as both of you are okay with it and have a choice over it. But if it was somehow imposed by your religious upbringing, your family’s values, or your community, and she doesn’t feel comfortable doing it, well then that’s a problem right there.
Your wife might feel like she’s been treated as an object, as only a housekeeper and not your life partner. If you’re the one working 40 (or more) hours a week, and she’s the one keeping the house nice and tidy, taking care of your kids, prepping up meals everyday, and you don’t see or appreciate the effort she puts in keeping your household on its feet, and on top of that, she really DOESN’T want to be in that role, it’s very likely that it’ll reflect on her sex life as well.
4. You Have Trouble Communicating With Each Other (or Not Communicating at All)
Sex and intimacy are intertwined in long-term committed relationships and marriages. But intimacy is maintained through communication as well.
Demanding work schedules, constant traveling, a particular type of personality, unvoiced resentments can all be reasons why you’re not communicating as before.
And good communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If communication is faulty, sex will suffer as well.
Think about it – have your conversations become more banal lately? Has it become a nuisance for you to even share how your day was? Maybe you’ve become too closed off emotionally. Maybe your wife is bothered by something she feels she can’t share because she’s hit a wall before.
Those can all be signals of poor relationship communication, which, unsurprisingly, spill over in your bedroom as well.
So, the first step is, of course, to get talkin’. There’s no way around it.
5. She’s Dissatisfied With Your Sex Life
This is a hard one to swallow, but yes, it’s a pretty common reason for why your wife doesn’t want to have sex. It just doesn’t cut it for her anymore.
Maybe she never liked how you did it but now finally has the nerve to say no. Or maybe she’s become bored and needs something new, some kind of novelty in the sack. She could also be having fewer orgasms because of a particular type of sex you’re having (yes, it’s the vaginal sex that’s the problem for a lot of women who don’t orgasm).
I understand that nobody likes to hear this and that if this is the reason, your wife is probably biting her nails on how to communicate it with you. But it’s better to think about it and rule it out if it turns out not to be the reason than to just not even consider it.
And if it is, well, nothing is lost. There’s actually plenty to do about it.
Your sex life can always be improved if you’re ready to reevaluate it
But I suggest you take a good hard look at your sex life and think about the last times you had sex. What were your wife’s reactions? Did she seem satisfied? Did she make a comment? Did she seem like she enjoyed herself?
Lots of men don’t actually know how to please a woman. It’s tragic. The only sex education they’ve had is from porn (again, tragic.) They often don’t know a thing (or okay, they know very little) about the clitoris, the female orgasm, or the G-spot.
And it’s even worse that women, for a variety of reasons, don’t seem to actually give a few tips and directions to their husbands and partners. So it’s all a big chaotic mess of misunderstandings, tacit and unspoken desires, and sheer dissatisfaction.
So, it’s only natural that when women don’t have the sex they want and need, they’ll just say no to it. They’ll “suffer” through the demands of their partners as long as they can and then they’ll just give up.
This has to do a lot with how we expect women to behave in general, as well as how women view themselves in a relationship. In short, it has to do with stale gender stereotypes that prevent women to speak their minds in bed and regard themselves as the full sexual and desirous beings that they are.
And here, again, good communication is key when the time comes to resolve all of this.
6. She May Have Health Issues or She May Be Experiencing Body Changes
Sometimes the reasons why your wife doesn’t want sex can be biological, rather than psychological. And often it’s a combination of both because having a debilitating illness or a disorder/syndrome can also affect your mental health.
Many illnesses that don’t really have to do with the genitals might also meddle with your libido. Cancer and chemotherapy, diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure, and a bunch of neurological diseases like Parkinson’s disease or stroke can all be the reason why your wife isn’t all that interested in sex lately.
If she’s recently had surgery, that might also be the reason behind her low sex drive. Maybe she’s still recovering and in pain, even though she’s not sharing it. Or maybe the surgery affected her body image – maybe she had breast surgery (like mastectomy, for example), or something to do with her reproductive system.
Maybe the surgery or the illness affected her sexual functions somehow; maybe one or more of her erogenous zones were injured.
If she’s feeling pain during sex and/or can’t achieve an orgasm for some reason, it can definitely reduce her desire for sex.
Hormonal changes – Pregnancy and Menopause
Women may go through several major hormonal changes in their lives. If they have kids, then pregnancy is certainly one of them. Menopause is another.
And all of these changing hormonal levels influence their sex drive, one way or another.
Hormonal levels change a lot during pregnancy, and also during the breastfeeding phase.
For example, in the first three months of pregnancy (or what’s called the first trimester), lots of women face morning sickness on top of the usual hormonal fluctuations. The second trimester (or the next three months) should be a tad easier on her in terms of libido, but then it’s back to the start with the third trimester or the last three months of pregnancy.
Also, changes in your partner’s body image may affect her sexual desire. Pressures arising after the birth of the baby of being a good parent and taking care of the little one will also occupy a lot of space in your partner’s mind and take up a lot of energy.
Fatigue can be another culprit – if your wife spends too much time taking care of a newborn or your kids, as well as the stuff around the house, then she won’t have time to do much else. So lend a helping hand, whenever possible!
Menopause is another biological event in a woman’s life that induces lots of hormonal changes that may last for several years.
In particular, levels of the hormone estrogen significantly drop during menopause. Decreased estrogen can lead to low libido, but also painful intercourse. For example, it also causes drying of vaginal tissue which makes penetrative sex quite painful for some women, even when using a lubricant.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that women stop having sex during and after menopause altogether. Lots of women have very satisfactory sex lives during these times. Supplements can help (somewhat) but also partners who understand them and are responsive. (For more on this, read my other article on how to make your wife initiate sex more, the one I mentioned in the introduction.)
7. You’ve Cheated on Her or She’s Cheating on You
Nobody likes to hear this, I get it. But I had to mention it, just in case.
Your wife might not want to have sex with you if you’ve cheated on her and she found out. And even if you’ve talked it through and she seemed to “forgive” you. She still might be doing it as a form of punishment, anger, feelings of betrayal, and fear of STDs. Or, she just might not be attracted to you anymore due to the disappointment and pain from the affair.
If she’s the one having an affair – it can go both ways. You may realize you’re having more sex than before, but the frequency of your sex life might decrease as well.
8. She Doesn’t Like Her Body
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but women are under a lot of pressure when it comes to their bodies. Just look at all those cosmetics campaigns and commercials, all those anti-cellulite, fat-reducing products, the dominant portrayals of the female body in mainstream media…
It’s no wonder that women will feel unsexy or somehow physically inadequate when there’s only one body image paraded throughout the screens of the world – the perfectly slim, Victoria’s Secret type of body, without a gram of fat on it.
And if a woman doesn’t like her body, she won’t feel sexy, and of course, her libido will go down south as well. If she’s particularly concerned with her body image, she may feel extra vulnerable to anything even remotely connected to her physical appearance.
But we men like all types of women’s bodies! Some like women who are very slim, yeah. But a lot of us want women with meat on their bones! And a lot of us are actually very content with how our partners look and do find them very sexy and desirable. So don’t let your wife forget that, even for a minute!
I hope you understand that we’re only scratching the surface here. There’s plenty of reasons why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you.
From stress and depression to feelings of being taken for granted, dissatisfaction in bed, problems with their body image, health issues, pregnancy, menopause, cheating… All of it can be the reason (or at least part of the reason) why your wife has low libido.
Or it just might be their particular nature. Some people have generally low libidos, and maybe your wife is one of them. Even if you had sex more frequently in the beginning, she still might be a person with a low sex drive – she might’ve just indulged you more and was more responsive.
In any event, communication is key here. Whenever you notice that something is off or different than it used to be, talk. Talk to your wife, ask her how she’s doing, how she’s been feeling lately, is everything okay in her life, with her friends, family, at work. Ask her how she feels about your relationship.