If you’ve been with someone for a long time, chances are that things are gonna get a bit rusty in the bedroom. You probably know each other now more than you care to admit. You know your partner’s moves, you know what they’re gonna say next, what they’re gonna do next, how long it takes for them to get it on and achieve orgasm, and so on and so on. But what you don’t seem to know is hot spice things up in the bedroom.
All of this takes the element of surprise out of the whole wonderful act of lovemaking. And, if you take out the element of surprise, you also take the thrill out of it. You take out the anticipation that feeds the desire which is at the core of a regular, healthy and satisfying sex life.
But feelings of boredom in the bedroom don’t always need to mean that things will be at a standstill forever.
The good thing is that you can use them as a token that something needs to be changed. And it needs to be changed as soon as possible. So, in a way, this dreaded feeling of an impasse and ennui can actually kick things into motion if you recognize its potential, and recognize it in time.
But since you’re here, chances are you have recognized it in time and want to do something about it.
So let’s see how you can actually do this. How you can bring novelty into your sex life and feel the thrill of desire like you’ve just met your partner!
How to Spice Things Up in the Bedroom
One of the key tenets to maintaining a good sex life is to actually prioritize it. And not just for a while, but on a regular basis. You need to give back its due part and due space in your relationship. And by recognizing that there is such a space, you’re already doing a good job.
Now, let’s see some of the ways you can re-introduce adventure and surprise in your love life. Have your wife ask for more and more and more!
Don’t Underestimate the Power of Communication
The science here is very basic. The less you talk to your partner about what you want, the less you’re going to get it. As a study conducted by the Temple University (USA) in 2010 shows, communication about sex proved to be very significant when it comes to bedroom satisfaction and overall relationship satisfaction. And this especially goes for couples who’ve been together for a long time.
That’s why talking about sex and sexual desires should also become your routine. As your relationship evolves and changes throughout the years, so will your desires, needs, and sometimes even your fantasies and fetishes. And that’s perfectly normal!
The key here is to tell that openly to your partner because chances are, they’re going through the same thing. If you’re feeling bored and unfulfilled, so are they probably!
If you want to get deeper into the whole thing on how to talk about sex to your partner, you can check my special article about it.
Set Aside Time For Sex
When I said you gotta keep sex a regular part of your relationship, I didn’t only mean a half-an-hour stint before going to bed. It’ll take a bigger effort than that, and the sex between two people that love each other definitely deserves more!
So, what you can do is literally set aside time for adult play during the week. Now, a thing you need to remember in this little equation is that while you do need to set aside sexy times regularly, you also don’t need to be under the constant pressure to do it all the time or too often.
Sure, doing it on a regular basis will definitely improve your overall relationship and your sex life. But quantity doesn’t always equal quality, as this study from the University of Toronto confirms.
So however many times you do it per week or month depends on a lot of stuff:
- personal preferences,
- work schedules,
- daily obligations,
- overall lifestyle, etc.
I’ll leave both of you to decide how much is enough.
Try Date Night, For Starters
A date night can actually be a nice way to introduce a different kind of foreplay into your romantic routines. I know that it’s usually one of the partners that do most of the cooking. However, this time try to get both of you involved in the kitchen. I would advise against getting takeout food because I think it’s really important that you feel you’re doing something together.
You can even put a twist to the whole thing and put it on its head. Start with the sex first, and then move over to dinner. I’m sure your appetites will be over the roof by that point.
Alternatively, you can surprise your wife or partner by making a nice dinner and getting a good wine yourself. Make them feel pampered and showered with attention. But, of course, these shouldn’t just be a one-time thing or only coming from one person. For good sex life, both partners need to be attentive and encouraging towards each other. This will boost your self-esteem and make you more confident in the bedroom – for sharing and trying out new things.
Use the Magic of Role Play
Performance is a huge part of our lives. We do it both willingly and unwillingly in all kinds of daily situations. Whether it’s work-related or has to do with our neighbors and our family circle, sometimes we just have to play along and act one way even though we feel another.
But when it comes to sex, performance and role play can really help to spice things up both inside and outside your own bedroom. Here, you have the chance to use your true performative potential, and for a good cause!
So, for the inside part, you can try and act out a favorite scenario of yours or hers. It can be a particular profession you feel especially inclined to in your fantasies (like the usuals for example – a nurse, a teacher, a sex worker, etc.), or a whole set where you get to play the plumber, the boss, the horny student and so on and so on – you get the picture.
You can also do tandem work on the scenarios you want to act out. The sole possibilities of the backstories can leave you with plenty of ideas for lots of sexy times to come.
Since I highly value and respect the advice from the sex thereapist Esther Perel, I also suggest you take a look at her take on how to introduce role playing and fantasy into your relationship.
… But Don’t Limit Yourself To Only Your Home
Another possibility that the magic of role-playing offers you is that you don’t only or necessarily need to do it in your home. You can do it throughout the city, you can act out a chance meeting in a bar and do a one night stand, while you both act like strangers the whole time.
Of course, role-playing isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Some couples may find it more successful and fulfilling than others, and there’s nothing wrong about that. We’re all different and get excited by different stuff. If you find it doesn’t really work even after several tries, then maybe it means it’s a good time to move over to something else.
If it does work, however, you can implement it into your sexual routine regularly- think of it as an always-ready trick up your sleeve and use it when you both feel like it.
Work on a Joint Erotic Fantasy
This is an upgrade on the “sharing your individual fantasies” scenario. It involves both of you coming up with erotic fantasy. Trust me, it can be super sexy and get you in the mood super fast!
You can start by getting a joint journal, after which one of you should start crafting a story, and the other one can pick up where the other left off.
You can also write about your personal fantasies. Then, after you read them to each other, you can try and enact them whenever you’re ready!
You can give this a bit of an edge if you both agree not to have sex for like a week or so. And you can write all that’s been piling up in your head during that sex-craved time. You’ll see that when you arrive at the end of it you’ll both want to get it on so fast, there’ll barely be any time for reading them!
Watch Porn Together
Good, old porn that’s always there for ya doesn’t actually need to be there only for you. Watching porn or erotic movies can be a joint activity and a pretty sexy one.
But, it’s important to find something both of you will like, so both of you can enjoy it and get in the mood.
Some porn films can also give you ideas on what you can try out next in the bedroom.
And if you or your partner is not really up for watching porn, then maybe you can also turn over to erotic books. You can start by reading one together and then read some steamy passages to one another. Trust me, just explaining the act can be a real turn on!
Try (More) Kinky Stuff
Kink has always been considered as the bad boy when it comes to sex and especially married sex, but that only enhances its power.
Doing kinky stuff in the bedroom can mean a lot of things: BDSM play, anal intercourse, having a threesome, visiting a swingers party, or participating in an orgy… All of this and more can be a real taboo topic for lots of couples out there, even though they might actually fantasise about it on a daily basis.
These kinds of activities can be a real turn-on since they always involve the element of danger, risk, uncertainty, and adventure. These are all notorious elements that play a big part in feelings of sexual desire.
Of course, it’s important that you always discuss these things together before trying to introduce them to your sexual routine. Kinky stuff can be tricky terrain for some couples. A lot of people think of it as controversial (at least that’s how it’s being perceived in the public). And a lot of the time this has to do with boundaries and crossing of thresholds that you’re not sure your relationship can withstand.
For example, some couples have a fine time introducing BDSM play at one moment, but won’t really be able to deal with the possibility of a threesome, because it might cause emotional complications for both parties. Or vice versa.
The important thing is to remember that all of these emotional complications are perfectly valid. Even if something’s edgy or a cool thing to try, it doesn’t mean it will necessarily be so.
The simple answer to the question of how to spice things up in the bedroom is to experiment. Different stuff works for different couples. All you can do is experiment, try out new things, and see what works for both you.