.Sex is great – I think most of us can agree on that.
One of the most interesting things about sex, besides the fact that its “main” purpose is to perpetuate life, is that it’s also pretty good in the pleasure-providing department. And this goes beyond humans as well, which is another interesting fact about it!
But while the male orgasm is nothing but straightforward (you know, ejaculation = orgasm), guys (and society at large) have been mystified by the female orgasm since times immemorial.
This is largely because, throughout history, orgasms were generally thought to exist as a result of sperm ejaculation. Or, as a bodily response which improves the chances of a woman getting pregnant.
Now, I can’t go about and not include a huge disclaimer here – this kind of “science” was done by men. And all of these wrong conclusions exist just because nobody bothered to actually ask women how they felt about it!
What can you find in this article
To be fair to the complex topic we’re going to explore today, I tried to make this article more versatile and tried to look at female pleasure from several angles. So, to be more precise, this is what we’ll cover:
- Just a little bit of history to get us started;
- Common myths and misconceptions about female pleasure;
- How women achieve orgasm;
- The types of female orgasms;
- the various types of stimulation that can trigger different types of female orgasms.
All of this with the pure intention of making you a wiser and more informed husband or partner, and of course, a master in the sack, the true connoisseur of female pleasure!
The Female Orgasm Throughout History
In the middle ages, women’s sexual organs were thought to be an inversion of the male ones. Which kinda meant that they had a way of ejaculating as well! And this in turn also served to explain the existence of the female orgasm.
Or, you’ve also probably heard about “female hysteria”? One of the most misogynistic chapters of the 19th century has to do with ascribing this as a female disorder. The “wandering womb”, as they called it, was a disorder considered specific to women. It encompassed a variety of “symptoms” from loss of desire to an excess of it, and also included anxiety, depression, insomnia, etc.
All of this was connected with a hidden sexual tension in women. The notion of female hysteria was actually a much older “concept”, dating back to antiquity – Ancient Egypt and Ancient Greece were the ones pushing it around the most (the noun “hysteria” actually comes from Ancient Greek and it means “womb”).
Now, Alfred Kinsey, a biologist and one of the first modern sexologists, as well as the founder (1947) of the now well known Institute for Sex Research at Indiana University, kinda turned the game. He worked on acknowledging the existence and importance of female pleasure and brought to the fore the fact that yes, women orgasm, and that they can orgasm solely for pleasure as well.
Historical misconceptions about the female orgasm still reflect on today’s notions of it
As you can see, the history of sexual pleasure hasn’t exactly been fair to the ladies, which has had some pretty unwanted consequences.
According to research reported by the renowned Kinsey Institute, women are said to reach an orgasm 31-40% of the time, taking into consideration intercourse in general. But, when asked about ‘assisted intercourse’, aka when stuff like clitoral stimulation was also included, the percentage rose by 20%! So, women said that they reached an orgasm about 51-60% of the time with assisted intercourse and only 21-30% of the time with unassisted intercourse.
Another research looked into the notorious field of fake orgasms, and as it turns out, both men and women do it, with different percentages – 25% of men and 50% of women reported that they’ve faked an orgasm during intercourse. And when it comes to a PVI (aka what scientists call ‘penile-vaginal intercourse’) the percentage was 28% for men (what?) and 67%, for women, which is definitely not a small number!
The reasons for fake orgasms most often had to do with being careful towards the partner’s feelings, wanting to get it over with (the sex, that is), and wanting to please their partner.
So, basically, if your partner or wife has trouble reaching an orgasm, she’s not alone. And if you’re here because you want to learn more about female pleasure, as well as how to give your lady an orgasm, then you’ve come to the right spot.
Myths and Misconceptions About the Female Orgasm
Now, as I mentioned earlier, lots of stuff about the female orgasm and female pleasure in general have been contested throughout history and science. And this also means that lots of misconceptions and myths around it have stuck till this very day.
That’s why I wanted to look at some of them here, so next time you encounter one you can be better prepared to recognize just what nonsense it is.
I also encourage you to check out my article where I debunk 5 persisting myths about the vagina.
#1 Women Who Can’t Have an Orgasm are Somehow Dysfunctional
Myth: All women orgasm – those that can’t are dysfunctional and there’s something wrong with them.
The actual truth: Anything can be a reason why someone isn’t able to reach orgasm: they may be having some rough time inside and outside of the relationship, battling mental health issues, or have been through traumatic events recently, among other things.
The woman may also be facing certain physiological issues, such as not being lubricated enough (which is why using a lubricant is usually a good idea), changes in hormone levels (often caused by birth control pills and menopause), various conditions of the vulva and the vagina (such as vulvodynia or vaginismus for example), etc.
NOTE: If your wife or partner is going through some of these issues, it’s a good idea to try and talk about them. Be understanding, listen to her, suggest that she starts treating them and that you’ll be by her side at all times.
And, of course, some women are simply biologically unable to orgasm, but that doesn’t mean they don’t find genital stimulation pleasurable
A 2016 study conducted by scientists from Concordia University and McGill University in Montreal, Canada, concludes that female orgasm depends on the interplay between the “flexible dimensions of arousal, desire, and pleasure.”
They go on to say some very wise words, such as: “The erotic body map a woman possesses is not etched in stone, but rather is an ongoing process of experience, discovery, and construction […] the application of a restricted reproductive model of male ejaculation to understanding the cause and effect of women’s orgasms only serves to obfuscate and hide the truly remarkable variety of orgasmic experiences a woman can have.”
And if this sounds all too sciency for us, it basically says that women should decide what they consider an orgasm to be for themselves according to how they’re able to feel pleasure and get aroused. It also highlights the importance of self-exploration and being open to new sexual experiences and ways of achieving pleasure.
#2 Penetrative Sex is the Best (and Only) Way for a Woman to Reach Orgasm
Myth: Lots of men (and unfortunately women as well) think that there’s something wrong with women who can’t have an orgasm through penetrative sex.
As we saw in myth #1, this can’t be farther from the truth.
The actual truth: Statistics show that only a fraction of women can orgasm through penetration only (about 18% to be more precise), and a larger percent of them (37%) require stimulation of the clitoris as well, or other body parts.
That’s why communicating about sex will get you a long way and will guarantee you a healthier and more satisfactory love life.
In fact, a study from 2018 found that women were more likely to orgasm (more frequently) if:
- They experienced more overall satisfaction from their relationship with their partner;
- Talked about their desires and needs in the bedroom;
- Their partner could tell when they’ve had an orgasm;
- Received oral sex more frequently;
- Had sex that lasted longer;
- Expressed their emotions towards their partner during sex;
- Experimented with new sexual positions;
- Acted out their fantasies;
#3 I Can Use Porn as a SexEd Video
Myth: Watching porn is a good way to learn how to please your lady. You can learn all kinds of stuff on how to finger her and please her by solely watching porn.
Uuum, no. Not really.
The actual truth: Actually, you might be grossly uneducated if you’re learning how to touch your partner solely from porn since not all women can come the way they show it in porn flicks. Porn is pretty much fiction – there’s a set, there’s montage, there are porn actors who can go about it for half an hour or an hour without flinching, graciously delaying their orgasms.
Besides, women who’ve used porn as a basis for sex self-education are much more prone to neglect their own pleasure and desires. That’s definitely not something you want your partner to go through, since it can ultimately cause her a lot of frustration, and that will inevitably reflect in the bedroom as well.
What you can do instead is actually talk to your partner and ask them what they like to do during sex. If you’re not sure how to begin the conversation, check out my article on how to talk about sex with your partner.
You can also try and visit sex-ed sites together, which offer plenty of educational resources teaching the world in modern and useful ways about female pleasure.
So What the Heck Actually Happens When Women Orgasm?
The ability to orgasm, the orgasm as a culminating spot of the sexual act is something that never ceases to amaze me.
Turns out, orgasms are a head-to-toe experience – meaning they activate lots of brain regions and result in several different physical responses.
As Barry Komisaruk, a professor at Rutgers University and a prominent researcher in the field of the science of orgasm puts it – “What we see [during an orgasm] is an overall activation of the brain; basically it’s like all systems go.”
One of the really interesting things the article states about female orgasms is that “women’s brains still receive signals from the genitals after orgasm, allowing them to climax multiple times.”
Multiple times! Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
With this kind of ability, it seems like the female orgasm is in a kind of league of its own, so to say, which is why we need to go over the biology a little bit to see what’s going on more clearly.
A Bit of Biology Never Hurt Nobody
I know you’re more or less acquainted with female biology, but a little revision would do us all good once in a while.
Every woman is different which makes their lady parts anatomy different as well, although it may seem the same at first glance.
For example, a curious fact is that every vulva (the outer part of the female genitals) and the vagina is uniquely different. This means that there’s no such thing as a “normal” vulva or vagina and that if you think you’ve managed to master one vagina, you’ve mastered them all. Not everything that you’ve learned about one is applicable to all of them.
Nevertheless, there are some general characteristics we’re going to discuss here that are sure to help you more easily get by over there.
So, let’s start!
Female sexual organs 101 – What’s there to know?
Okay, so these are your wife’s external lady parts, which commonly go by the joint name ‘vulva’:
- Labia majora and labia minora (or the outer and inner lips of the vulva)
- Glans clitoris aka the clitoral gland (or just the good old clitoris)
- Clitoral hood (a bit of tissue that covers part of the clitoral bulge)
- Urethral opening (this is the opening from which pee comes out in women)
- Vaginal opening
- Vulval vestibule (or the part that houses the urethral and vaginal openings)
Now, when it comes to female arousal, several of these parts can be stimulated so your partner can achieve pleasure and/or orgasm, and the most important of them is the clitoris. So let’s say a few words about it, shall we?
The clitoris – the holy grail of female pleasure
The clitoris is the most sensitive organ in the female body and it contains more than 8,000 nerve endings (twice as many as the penis has), and I’m talking only about the top of the clitoris, which, as it turns out, is a whole structure.
Another interesting thing about the clit (as it’s commonly abbreviated) is that it’s actually much more than what we see on the surface – that little nodule that feels like a small ball at the touch. That’s kind of the tip of the iceberg, actually. The inner parts of it also determine the strength of the orgasm.
The clitoris is located at the upper part of the vulva and it usually looks like a little pink dot, with a cap on it (this is the ‘clitoral hood’). It’s at the meeting point of the inner lips of the vulva, which can also be an erogenous zone, by the way, as can the outer lips.
Because of the many nerve endings, when a woman is aroused, the clitoris can get enlarged to about three times its size!
Continue reading if you want to find out how to stimulate your partner’s clitoris for maximum pleasure!
What Are the Stages of the Female Orgasm?
The stages of the female orgasm correspond to the so-called ‘sexual response cycle’, a model of bodily responses to sexual stimulation consisting of four stages. It was conceived by the Masters and Johnson research team – the researchers William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, who did some pretty amazing, pioneering stuff concerning the nature of human sexual activity in the second half of the 20th century.
So, basically, these stages correspond to both parties – both men and women go through them when they’re sexually stimulated in one way or another. The four phases are excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.
The Excitement Phase
So, turns out this is the first stage of female arousal. The first sign is the swelling of the clitoris. After that other parts of the female genitalia start to swell too, like the labia minora (the inner lips or vaginal lips) and the vagina.
In this phase, the uterus also grows in size. As the woman becomes aroused the uterus becomes elevated, while the muscle around the vaginal opening becomes tighter. This is also the point where the walls of the vagina start producing their natural lubricant.
But it’s not only the genital area that gets pretty excited. Blood rushes pretty much everywhere! The heart beats faster and the blood pressure rises. The breasts also increase in size, while the nipples harden and become erect. But I can safely assume you’ve probably noticed this by now.
And arguably the most interesting thing about all of this is that, for women, this phase can last from several minutes up to several hours!
The Plateau Phase
This phase is also known as the ‘orgasmic platform’. This is because one-third of the outer vagina gets pretty bulky with blood. So, hence the word ‘plateau’ in it. The plateau phase is pretty much a continuation of the excitement phase, just a bit upgraded in terms of intensity, blood flow, muscle tension, and fast, loud breathing.
At this point, the clitoris becomes really, really sensitive, and it might actually withdraw a little. However, the vagina continues to keep itself lubricated.
In this phase, you might also notice that your woman starts producing sighs, loud sounds, and vocalizations, etc, often involuntarily.
It’s worth noting that for women who don’t or can’t achieve an orgasm, this is considered the peak of sexual activity and excitement.
The Orgasm Phase
This is the culmination of sexual stimulation and/or the sexual act. Lots of things happen in this short amount of time. The uterus, vagina, and the pelvic floor muscles all contract in rhythmic frequencies.
But other muscles on the body also may contract. The thigh and calf muscles, the whole leg, the stomach muscles, and also the ones in the arms. The whole body is wildly ecstatic at this point. However, it’s unfair to make any precise predictions and representations as to how strong this is and what it’s actually like. It just differs widely from woman to woman. Additionally, one orgasm doesn’t have to be the same as the next one. Even if we’re talking about the same woman.
Besides the involuntary muscle contractions, women may also experience involuntary vocalizations. While these are considered as the best tell-tale signs of a woman’s moment of joy, they’re kind of a cliche. Actually, women express their climaxes in different ways. Some women don’t make a sound at all or don’t show any clear outward physical signs, making them less noticeable. So, if you want to know if your lady is having an orgasm, it’s best to ask her openly in a kind way, without being confrontational or accusing.
Once the woman climaxes, she also may feel sort of warm in the area. That warmth can also spread to other parts of the body.
The Resolution Phase
Also known as the ‘cigarettes after sex phase’ – just kidding, this is my intervention, although I definitely think it should enter the official medical vocabulary.
This is the point when the body relaxes from the ecstasy, and accumulated blood in the genital area leaves the crime scene and heads elsewhere. Also, at this point, the heart rate stabilizes, as does blood pressure, and breathing returns to its regular rhythm.
The interesting thing about the resolution phase is the so-called ‘refractory period’. This refractory period refers to the orgasm itself, i.e. the phase where men can’t achieve another orgasm for a particular period of time.
Now, the peculiar thing about women’s refractory period is that it’s not that straightforward. I mentioned earlier the ‘multiple orgasms’ phenomenon, and chances are you’ve probably heard of it before, maybe even from your wife/partner. Science, however, is still kind of contended about whether women can actually have them or not. Studies say that for women it is possible to have more orgasms after the initial one if they feel up for it. Others, however, say that women also go through the refractory period, a time in which women can’t get sexually excited right after their initial orgasm.
So the multiple orgasm phenomena still kinda linger between individual capabilities, libido, desire, and plain biology
You might notice that this is the time when your wife or partner particularly likes to snuggle – or you as well, once you orgasm. Turns out there’s a specific reason for that, besides the fact that you plain and simple might love that person – yes, it’s the hormones.
So, now that you know the basics of the female genital anatomy, as well as the anatomy of their arousal and orgasm cycle, it’s time to move on to the practical side of it – varieties of stimulation and the different types of orgasms that come out of them.
Types of Female Orgasms and Different Types of Stimulation to Help Women Achieve Orgasm
Now we finally come to the truly fun part – the ways to actually make your partner come!
One of the more fascinating things about women (and there are plenty of them!) is that they can achieve orgasms in more ways than one.
That’s why next I want us to go over them and see how you can help them get there!
Clitoral Stimulation and the Clitoral Orgasm
The clitoris, that wonderful little organ that allows women to have some powerful orgasms.
According to a study made by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, 36.6% of women said that stimulation of the clitoris was necessary for them in order to orgasm. Another 36% said that their orgasms felt better if they also had clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
Now that’s a mighty fine percentage we’re seeing here, meaning you definitely can’t ignore the potential of the clitoris when you’re having sex with your wife or your partner.
So, how to help your partner achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation?
A fun fact about the clitoris is that it’s made from the same genital tissue as the penis. During the development of the fetus in the womb, they only start to differentiate at about week 12. And, it can also become erect and swollen once the body gets aroused, similarly to the penis, although it’s of a much smaller size.
It’s important how and how hard you touch her clitoris
Since it’s a very tender tissue, the way you touch your partner’s clitoris and how hard you apply, the pressure is very important to have in mind.
For example, some women find it really painful when you touch their clitoris directly – there’s nothing wrong with them, it’s just that their pain and sensitivity threshold is higher than in other women.
But there are ways to do it indirectly:
- Rub the clitoral hood instead of the clit itself;
- Squeeze the outer and inner lips together;
- Rub the pubic mound (the fleshy part just above the clit);
- Rub the vulvar vestibule (part of the vulva in between the clit and the vaginal opening)
- Lay your palm over her vulva and apply different amounts of pressure and different movements (depending on what she likes).
Another thing you have to consider is when to touch the clitoris
Communicate with your wife about whether she’s horny or excited enough for you to touch the clitoris and play with it. If she’s not, her vulva can remain dry and it can hurt, chafing the clit and ruining your night altogether.
How excited does she need to be?
Well, this is also different for different women – you will simply need to be attentive to her reactions and listen to her desires.
And if she tells you she likes something, keep doing EXACTLY that!
So, here’s what happens pretty often: when you tell your partner that you like something they’re doing to you during sex they immediately get excited and start going harder, and the moment is lost, pretty quickly.
So guys should be careful to just keep doing exactly what they’ve been doing when their partner tells them it’s good. No messing around! This also goes for penetration and the intensity of movement, speed, pressure, etc.
Special mention #1: Watch Instructional videos of real women masturbating to learn and discuss what she likes
Ok, so I’ll be frank here – OMGYES is one of the best things that can happen to your marriage.
Thanks to porn, we’re constantly exposed to one particular way a woman is supposed to orgasm from clitoral stimulation. Well, OMGYES is here to save the day. Honestly, it was an eye-opener for me and really drilled in the novel idea that women actually have tons of ways to orgasm. And that they masturbate completely differently.
If you thought you were good at oral, or good with your fingers, I really challenge you to watch these videos. Because guess what? If something worked with previous partners and girlfriends, it absolutely doesn’t mean that it will work with your current partner. Oh, and also, it helps you learn that you shouldn’t get discouraged after 5 minutes. The female orgasm can really take a while.
You can watch real, different techniques of how different women like to touch themselves and get themselves to orgasm. Afterward, can discuss them with your partner (like I did with my wife).
Special mention #2: the female orgasm can really take a while
How long does it take a woman to orgasm? Most partners shove their fingers for 3 minutes and then proceed to other things, but according to science, the average time for a woman to orgasm is 13 minutes. Some women can take up to 20 minutes of continuous stimulation to get there so if her partner is impatient, she doesn’t stand a chance.
Vaginal Stimulation and the Infamous G-Spot
While it seems that a lot of women prefer clitoral stimulation above all else, vaginal stimulation doesn’t fall much behind either.
Now, there are some dilemmas whether there’s actually a thing like “vaginal orgasm”, but Elisabeth Lloyd, a distinguished professor of biology, conducted a comprehensive, decades-long study that found that about 25%, or a quarter of women, consistently orgasm when they have vaginal intercourse.
Practical Tips for Vaginal Stimulation and Vaginal Orgasms
Let’s look at some of the ways you can better your chances of your wife reaching a vaginal orgasm or just generally feeling pleasure from vaginal stimulation.
Also, don’t forget to use lube if your wife/partner needs it! (and in a lot of cases, they do).
You can try different kinds of lubes, depending on your needs. If you wanna go a step further, you can even try a CBD-infused lube, like the Spark spray, which is designed to make time spent under the sheets that much more exciting!
Include (more) foreplay in your sex routine
Some people value foreplay as much as they value sex. And it’s no surprise. It’s fun, it’s versatile, it’s erotic. Heck, if done right, it can make you so horny you’ll be begging for some more. Sex or foreplay, it’s up to you.
And there are some people who underestimate foreplay, which I really don’t get. Foreplay can be pretty important for women since it gives them enough action and time to get aroused so they can have a comfortable and enjoyable vaginal intercourse, and possibly even achieve a vaginal orgasm.
There are many things you can do during foreplay:
- Playing with her breasts – kissing them, nibbling on them, squeezing them and massaging them;
- You can also give her a full body massage with a special emphasis on her erogenous zones;
- Or, you can treat her with a fun and tasty dose of cunnilingus.
- You can use a variety of toys for more bedroom fun;
- Don’t forget to kiss passionately and like you mean it!
For more info on the importance of foreplay and how to do it right check out my special article on the subject.
Stimulate your partner’s clitoris
This is another thing I can’t stress enough – most women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, so you better roll up your sleeves and get your hands “dirty”!
You can do this in a variety of ways:
- Try your fingers – you can use one, two, three fingers, depending on the wishes and comfort level of your lady. You can use circular motions, play with pressure and motion, and of course, ask your lady what works best. Some women prefer more pressure on their clitoris – and sometimes on their mons pubis – and some women prefer less.
- You can do it with your tongue – here there’s also a plethora of movements and pressure play, you just have to figure out the preferences of your partner.
- Use a toy – wand vibrators have been a favorite of ladies worldwide in recent times, but there are other types of clitoris oriented toys and clitoral vibrators (see also here for more clitoral vibrators).
Find the right sex position for best vaginal intercourse
Basically, the best position for a vaginal orgasm would be the one that best stimulates the clitoris and/or the G-spot.
Now, this isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, but there are a couple of classic sex poses that can help your lady get there:
- Doggy style – doggy style is a position that allows for deeper penetration and is one of the best sex positions for trying to reach the G-spot; it’s also good for inducing vaginal orgasms.
- Have your woman on the top – this also allows for deeper penetration, stimulates the G-spot and here the woman has the majority of the motions control (angle of penetration and depth, as well as the pace of the motion), so she can best decide what works for her.
- The sitting position – have your woman sit on your lap; this is a very nice position for several reasons: it allows for extra intimacy, deep penetration, the woman has a good control of her moves and there’s space for clitoral stimulation as well. What more can you want?
And What About the G-Spot?
Since a quarter of women orgasm through vaginal intercourse, there’s gotta be something there, right? And along with the vaginal orgasm, you’ve probably also heard the G-spot.
The G-spot, also called the Gräfenberg spot, is named after the German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg. And it’s precisely that – a purported spot. It’s supposed to be a place located roughly 5-8 cm (2-3 inches) inside the vagina. And it’s considered to be an erogenous zone on its own. Which means that if you stimulate this area properly, it can result in strong sexual arousal and very powerful orgasms. Maybe even to the point of causing female ejaculation (another contested area when it comes to female pleasure).
Now, the G-spot is also a spot that’s largely contested throughout the scientific community. Some call it a myth, some say it’s an extension of the clitoris. Others think it’s a part of the female prostate, aka the Skin’s gland that’s located alongside the walls of the urethra.
How to stimulate the G-spot
I won’t be getting into the details concerning the G-spot here, since I wrote a whole special article about it you can check out.
But, I’ll tell you briefly how you can stimulate the G-spot. Insert one or two fingers/the penis/a sex toy into the vagina and do a “come forward” motion at about 2-3 inches (5-7 cm) inside the vagina, on its upper wall.
I also did want to stress (and I won’t stop stressing this in almost all of my articles) how important it actually is to communicate with your partner about her pleasure areas, and in this case, the purported G-spot. Never fail to consider her desires. Ask her how to touch her, and listen to her instructions. Whether it’s with fingers (or otherwise), seek the best possible pleasurable outcome.
Stimulation on Other Body Parts and No Stimulation Induced Orgasms
Of course, stimulation of the vagina and clitoral/G-spot stimulation is not the only way a woman can reach an orgasm. Everybody and every person is different and there are plenty of other ways women can achieve an orgasm.
For example, women can also orgasm or become sexually aroused from continuous breast stimulation, through anal intercourse, through exercise, in their sleep (you’ve heard of wet dreams, right?), etc. There are plenty of nerve pathways that play a big role in the experience of orgasm, and all it takes is a bit of experimentation and of course, talking about your lady’s preferences. Find out about her specific erogenous zones and get to work as soon as you can!
I really hope you enjoyed this article on the female orgasm. And, I hope that you’ve found it informative, which would mean a lot actually!
For more info on other sex and marriage/relationships related topics, check out our blog.
Wish you lots of fun in the bedroom!