Threesomes are a bit of a counterintuitive concept when it comes to monogamous relationships. Threesomes and marriage? Even more confusing. But, that’s also what makes them all the more desirable, isn’t it?
Perhaps unsurprisingly, having a threesome is considered to be the most common sexual fantasy Americans have. A survey from the Kinsey Institute, led by the sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller (I’ve mentioned him a couple of times throughout my texts – great guy, make sure to check him out) asked 4,175 people, ages 18 to 87, about their sexual fantasies. Guess what came out? 95% of men and 87% of women said that they’ve fantasized about having sex with more than one person – simultaneously!
Ok, but how common are threesomes anyway?
Well, the numbers are not very high but higher than you may think. According to a study done to over 2000 people in the US, 10% of women and 18% of men said that they’d had a threesome at least once in their lifetime. However, the study referred mostly to what’s called an MFF threesome, which means two females and one male. The numbers may be a tad different for two men and a woman and three men or three women.
So, given that the fantasy of a threesome is pretty present in people across the US, it’s kinda weird that a much smaller percentage of it has actually engaged in trying it out, don’t you think?
Truth be told, people are anxious about it for a bunch of reasons. They often have different expectations for it in reality, for starters. Also, some are aware that a threesome can have some pretty strong effects on a relationship. It can both strengthen and wreck it, and that’s a hard bet to take for lots of us out there.
Why do threesomes work, why do people like threesomes – this is what you’re going to read here – and more!
I assume a lot of you reading this haven’t yet engaged in a threesome but are maybe considering doing so. Good for you! And it’s great that you’re interested in reading more about it before you actually do the deed.
In this article, I’m going to cover all the basic things you’d like to know about threesomes and marriage. The same goes for a long-term committed relationship. I’ll talk about the good and bad sides of having a threesome, so you can ultimately decide whether it’s worth it or not. I’ll also talk about the ways you can introduce it in your marriage and even share some post-threesome relationship experiences from the web.
So, let’s get started!
Threesomes and Marriage – How Does it Work?
Why do People like threesomes? Why you should (or shouldn’t) have one? These and lots of other questions I’m going to try and answer in this section.
I think all of us have realized by now that threesomes can be tricky. It’s perfectly normal to feel anxious about them even though they may turn you on as nothing else does. The road from fantasy to reality is not that short after all.
Some of you may worry that you won’t like it. You might think the whole thing will be a total failure or very awkward. Some of you might even worry that maybe you’ll like it too much! You fear it’ll wreak havoc on your current relationship. What if your wife happens to like the girl or guy – the third party in the threesome – more than she should?
Is It Worth Taking the Risk?
Not to make you worried or anything, but chances are that all of this might actually happen. But this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it (hint: setting up boundaries helps a lot). If it does affect your marriage negatively, it’s very likely that there was an underlying issue dying to get addressed and the threesome simply brought it to the surface.
The other side of it is that it just might end up being one of the best sexual experiences you’ve had in your life, you may even end up doing it over and over again, and it may even save your marriage for all I know!
Let’s take a brief look at the pros and cons of why you should (or shouldn’t) engage in a threesome.
The benefits of having a threesome
You’ll love the experience – You can have a great time and nothing will change significantly in your relationship. If you’re both good communicators when it comes to your sex life, you respect each other, you’ve set your boundaries and you’re both on the same page, it’s highly likely that you’ll enjoy the experience.
It can bring you closer and make your relationship stronger – threesomes can act as relationship strengtheners. Maybe you’re stuck in a rut and you crave sexual novelty – a threesome is definitely one of the ways to try something new in the sack. And, because of its delicate nature (which includes a kind of polyamory, even if it might be brief), it absolutely needs communication.
It can help you deal with trust issues – I know this might sound a bit paradoxical to some, but the truth is if you manage to go through the threesome unscathed it will definitely strengthen the trust in your relationship. You will need to discuss some nitty-gritty details, and a lot of them will be ones you’ve never discussed before – boundaries, desires, needs, and definitive don’ts. Once you see whether your partner honors them or not, well, that’s the ultimate trust test, isn’t it?
It can make your partner seem sexier in your eyes – I don’t know if you’ve heard about the term troilism (weird one, I admit), but it refers to people having fantasies about their partners having sex with someone else. According to Dr. Lehmiller’s research, it turns out that 35% of women and 49% of men have these kinds of fantasies, which makes them rather common.
The reason for this is that you get to see your partner with new eyes. She’s no longer your wife or the mother of your child, but a fully sexual being. She’s a woman with unique and explicit desires and needs, ones that are also being answered in the threesome. Threesome gives you all this on a plate, basically. It helps you return to the olden days when the sexual tension was through the roof. It’s worth a shot experiencing that again, amirite?
The downsides of having a threesome
It can make your partner jealous. If one of you is not quite clear whether they want a threesome, chances are they’re going to feel pretty jealous when the action starts. If you jump into it unwillingly or with low self-confidence, the outcome will rarely be good. That’s why you should always have a long, thorough conversation before engaging in one. Making sure you’re both on the same page about it is crucial.
It can end your relationship. Sometimes threesomes can also end a relationship, and that’s a risk couples will need to face. This usually happens when there are a lot of other unresolved issues in the relationship, especially if it’s already hanging by a thread. A threesome gives one or both of the partners another perspective on relationships and sex. And this, in turn, may also make them jump in single waters once again.
It may spur an affair. Another thing having a threesome can cause is an affair. This usually happens if one of the partners hits it off just a little bit too much with the third person. Sex is a tricky terrain when it comes to forming bonds and relationships. It can be solely about pleasure, sure. But that can also set the stage for something deeper. In any event, it may even just be a series of attempts to prolong and continue that pleasure. I guess you may want to blame the hormones on that one.
Threesomes and Marriage – Experiences From the Web
Reddit is a pretty interesting place to look up a lot of topics, and and that goes for threesomes too. So let’s see how the online community thinks about several questions regarding what’s good and bad about threesomes.
Couples that had a threesome, how did it change their relationship?
“It worked extremely well for us. Communication and setting limits before you start is absolutely key. Sure I had some jealousy issues to deal with when my wife was out with our best friend which I had expected. It immediately led to a much closer loving relationship between us.
She agreed with my request to try it ‘just once’, and to discuss after that, and I agreed to her request to be absent during the event. When we got together in bed after that first time, it was absolutely obvious we both enjoyed the experience and wanted to continue the experiment. What followed was 7 years of marital bliss during which we had much more, and better quality love life together.”
“It made us closer. We had to tackle some communication and trust issues that we didn’t know we had. That either leads to a stronger relationship, or puts you on the rocks. It worked out well for us. That was over 15 years ago. We’re still ethically non-monogamous.”
“It made him constantly talk about how the experience had been with her and how much he wanted to repeat the experience over with pretty much every reasonably-attractive female friend I had. And he didn’t explain this in a kind way at all.
He’s now my ex.”
“Between myself and my wife, it didn’t change at all. Still happily married and celebrating year#12 this Friday.
For my friend; I think he got insecure and just stopped returning my calls and texts. I haven’t heard from him in over 6 years.”
What makes threesomes so hot?
While researching the topic I also found some interesting comments featured on the GQ website:
“Being intimate with a new person, the experience of seducing someone as a couple, and the various, um, ‘configurations’ you can try with a third person.”
“It’s like being IN a porn that you are also watching. Also the attention. Also the taboo of it? If that makes sense? I love watching people fuck. I love fucking. Porque no los dos?”
“Actually, I’ve learned some new ways to push my husband’s buttons because of the way a third engages with him or tries something on him. So threesomes can be a great way to learn more about your own partner and yourself sexually.”
How Can You Introduce Threesome in Your Marriage?
Threesomes are a lot of things, and fun, kinky, sexy, and pretty darn challenging are definitely some of them.
This challenging aspect of a threesome has a lot to do with how the couple, as a couple, handles it. Nevertheless, that shouldn’t discourage you from trying and having one.
Of course, threesomes are not for everyone and people do them for different reasons, but for some people they might be just the right addition to their sex life – the novelty they’ve been craving for or the fantasy they’ve been dying to fulfill.
But, there are a couple of things you can do when one of you comes up with the suggestion for a threesome and wonders what’s the best way to introduce it to their partner. So, let’s take a look at them, shall we?
Talk About It as You Would for Any Sexual Novelty (At First)
A good way you can use to approach this subject and communicate it to your partner is to make sure they’re not getting it the wrong way by thinking there’s something wrong with your sex life.
Even if there is, you don’t want to hurt their feelings by being too blunt about it – instead, you can begin by telling them that what you’re desiring is just more pleasure, an addition to the fun you’re already having.
In a way, you can approach it as you would approach the topic of buying a new sex toy, although, of course, the conversation will become more complex than it would with a sex toy as you talk more and more about it.
You can sit at dinner or somewhere where you’re comfy and safe and tell your partner you’ve been having this thought/dream/fantasy on your mind and you want to share it with them. Tell them that you really enjoy what you have and that you’d like to tell them a way you can have some more fun in the sack by introducing a third person for a night.
If they don’t get into it right away, don’t get discouraged but give them some space to absorb, and then try again after a few hours or a few days.
Talk About the Reasons Why You’re Doing It
People have threesomes for different reasons. Some do it with the idea that all three will enjoy it equally, and some do it because they’re curious and want to please their partners who want it really badly.
The keyword here is ‘consensual’, and also ‘respect(ful)’. You can’t have a threesome without these two words, and it applies to all three parties.
Being a couple who likes to have a threesome is all about the vibe you two have created and are looking for in the third person – you need to click with somebody, for all the right reasons, which is why you should discuss everything beforehand.
What do you want to do during the act specifically? Each of the people should ask themselves this and communicate it with the other, so all of you can have a great time together.
Discuss the Red Lines/Talk About Boundaries
Now, alongside what will be happening during the threesome, you also have to talk about the stuff that won’t or shouldn’t.
And you should cover everything! Everything that you think might bother you or set you off or you think is going too far, you will need to communicate it with your partner. Otherwise, how can your partner, as well as the third person know what you consider to be a red line for you? If your partner and the other person end up doing it, you can get really hurt and potentially put your relationship at risk.
- So, consider, is kissing allowed?
- Is coming in/on anyone else allowed?
- Is staying the night allowed?
- Would you have a problem if your partner receives or gives oral sex?
Basically, it comes down to this: if a certain activity bothers even one of you then you should consider it off the cards.
Another thing is that you should also tell your partner if you’re not explicitly against something, but you’re kinda unsure and you might consider it problematic. It’s good to let your partner know when you’re not certain about a particular activity; it will make them more aware of the whole thing, open up a space for discussion, and also make them more careful if it somehow emerges during the threesome.
Use a Safe Word When Things Get Awkward
Safewords are a good idea when it comes to a threesome, because things can get abruptly awkward sometimes, and you need to have something that’ll bring you back to a safe place instantly.
You can either have a safe word only with your partner or come up with one for the three of you, depending on your agreement.
How Are You Going to Search for the Third Person
Nowadays, there are many ways to search for a threesome buddy. Talk with your partner about whether you want them to be someone you know or a complete stranger.
There are special sites and dating apps for it, but you can also do it the old fashioned way – try to find them at a party, at a club, or maybe even ask some of your friends or acquaintances.
Apps that help you find a threesome buddy
One way to find the third wheel in your threesome game is to do it through an app. This basically means you’ll be searching for a stranger. Unless, of course, you accidentally come upon somebody you know, which, does happen, I’ll tell you that.
Now, if you want to do it this way, these are the best apps that can help you find your threesome match:
- Tinder – yes, Tinder is usually used for one-to-one hookups but lots of couples also use it for threesomes. This is because there’s a “couples” option, which you can look up in the gender section.
- Feeld – Feeld is one of the most popular apps for singles and couples. Moreover, it gives polyamorous people more space to explore their desires and needs, by searching for partners interested in ethical non-monogamy and also partners interested in kink.
- 3Somer – another very popular app for finding threesomes, it also includes options for swingers, if you want to dip your toes in those waters as well.
- Fantasy – Fantasy is a really special app that allows you to share sexual fantasies and desires with other couples and singles. It also offers you a way to connect and chat with people, see if you can click and eventually meet up live!
Reddit is another place you can search for a person. But, since it’s a vast community of users and it has a lot of threads, it might be harder to find what you’re looking for. Also, there might be more fake profiles or people just trying to have fun reading the threads rather than engaging in something more serious.
Additional sites you can check out are:
Looking for a threesome partner in real life
Ok, I admit, this is somewhat trickier than using an app. But, there’s a shortcut to the potentially awkward “Hey do you want to have a threesome with us?” at a regular party.
And the solution is – swingers club. At least at first, a swingers club can be a very nice entrance into the world of – well, swingers, or just non-monogamous people in general. Whether it’s short term or long term, doesn’t matter. Until you get comfortable being more daring in regular clubs, parties and maybe getting into some private home sex parties, swingers club is a great place to start.
I suggest you look into finding a swingers club near where you live (google it). But, I also advise you not to go for the first one you find if it has bad reviews. (Hint: reviews are important).
Swingers clubs also hold informal gatherings at pubs and restaurants. Which means you don’t really need to feel like you’re in Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut” the first time you visit. It’s all about feeling comfy and reducing anxiety when entering a new field of sexual activity you’re not that comfortable with.
Whatever it is, this is also something you need to be on the same page about and search together, so all parties will be satisfied with the choice.
Who’s going to be the initiator and what happens when the deed is done?
Some people find these kinds of details really important when it comes to orchestrating the whole threesome thing, and some find it really tiresome. If you’re in the first category, continue reading this, if not, skip to the next section.
Either way, it’s not a bad idea to discuss this beforehand – first times can be awkward and you’d want to avoid the moment when everybody’s waiting for everybody else to make the starting move.
If you want to be more spontaneous, you can try and read the moment – wait for everyone to settle down and the atmosphere to reach its boiling point and then just go with the flow. Or you can just exchange signs (sort of like a ‘safe word’, but for initiating a threesome) with your partner when you think you’re ready to start.
When the party’s over
The same goes after you’ve all had your fun. You want both of you to be on the same page when you’re all lying in your post-orgasm mess of bliss and sweat.
- Do you want the third person to stay the night, or leave immediately afterward?
- Do you want to eat breakfast together in the morning or just serve them another drink while they’re waiting for their taxi after the threesome?
And also the big question – are you going to stay in contact afterwards? Maybe for another threesome?
Final Thoughts
There’s a lot to talk on the topic of threesomes and marriage, as you already saw, and I’ve by no means exhausted all of it here.
We’ve seen how common threesomes really are nowadays. They’re not as taboo as before, that’s certain. We’ve also seen it can have significant potential benefits for a relationship.
But threesomes require lots of communication as well, as every sexual novelty that’s being introduced in your sex life.
If you’ve communicated it well between each other, set up boundaries, and decided you just really, really want to do it and see how it goes, you’ll have to also accept the necessary risks.
However it may end up, try not to regret it. One of the most exciting things about sex is its mystery, its unpredictable outcome. I don’t need to tell you that every new sexual experience definitely has that. It’s just that a threesome is one of those that have it a lot.
