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Sex Myths – 7 Things About Sex Men Need to Unlearn ASAP

One research from the National Survey of Family Growth shows that 96% female and 97% male teenagers “received formal sex education before they were 18.” But, still, only 29 states in the US along with the District of Columbia, have laws that require medically accurate sex ed in schools. And even in those 29 states, nobody guarantees you the quality of the sex-ed. Nor do they say much about the basic topics that need to be covered, so young people can stay healthy and safe. So, judging by the data, is anyone surprised there are so many sex myths out there? And even though the results mentioned in the first link are promising, there are still plenty of gaps that need to be bridged. No.1 I’d say should be the orgasm gap.   I get it. Sex education is connected to all kinds of social factors, from family values to religious beliefs and school fundings. Two people growing in the same community might receive some pretty different info about sex and relationships.  So it’s only natural to assume that a lot of men so far have grown up with crooked, incomplete, and sometimes even downright wrong facts and info around sex and female pleasure.  Don’t think that if you know how to properly put on a condom you’ve got it all! That’s only the beginning. There’s a lot more to learn – as well as unlearn – along the way. 

7 Sex Myths and the “Truth” Behind Them 

It’s a real pity that lots of men encounter biased forms of sex ed that’s full of fear – like, for example, the stress on abstinence as the only way you can truly protect yourself from the perils of sex.  Yes, abstinence will keep you safe from STD’s and your partner from unwanted pregnancy, but there’s a lot more in the picture on how to keep safe and healthy and actually have sex.  Also, take for example the ideas around penis size. According to a study presented in the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity, made to more than 52 000 subjects, “45 percent of men reported that they were unsatisfied with their penis size and wanted to be larger.” That’s almost half of the men in the study!  And ideas can stick to your mind like candy. They may sound sweet and compelling but reality says different. You just don’t know it because you haven’t been properly exposed to the facts.  So, in order to try and break some of these barriers and fill some of these gaps you might’ve had in your formal or less than formal sex ed, I’m going to try and break 7 myths about sex that men need to unlearn ASAP.  Also, once you’re done, you might want to compliment this article with a related one – 5 myths about the vagina debunked. 

Sex Myth 1# Penis Size – Is Bigger Really Better? 

I put this as number one for a reason. Penis size a huge deal for almost all men worldwide. As you saw in the study above, almost half the men interviewed want a bigger-sized penis.  Now convert that into sexual confidence and do the math. How much do misconceptions about penis size cost men their sexual confidence and overall self-esteem? A lot, I’ll tell you that. According to this article in The Guardian, in some instances, it may even cost them their mental health.  The study I mentioned earlier, from the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity, reports that, in fact, it’s the width of the penis that is more important to women than the actual length. And even that is not final. Vaginas and vulvas are pretty different as well, in case you didn’t know that by now.  So, it’s not about the perfect, sublime size and width of the penis for that perfect and sublimely built vagina – it’s just a matter of numerous shapes and sizes. Some may fit a little too tight, a little too loose, fall a bit short, or even protrude a little more than “usual”.  And, in some cases, they’ll fit just right. 

It’s more about compatibility than “the right fit” 

But it’s more of a lottery in terms of how you couple up with your partner and how compatible physically your bodies are to one another, rather than one right penis size or one right shape of the vagina. There’s good and bad sides to every shape and size, and there are always sex positions that’ll help you express their best sides.   So, no, you’re not broken in any way if you have less than “average” penis size. And you don’t need to compensate. In any event, deep penetration isn’t always a sign of good sex.  I mean, most women need some sort of clitoral stimulation anyway to cum, so shallow penetration is much more desirable when you think of your wife/partner as well. The beginning of the canal holds lots of sensitive nerve endings, as well as the famous G-spot. 

Sex Myth #2 – Foreplay Can Often Be Skipped 

Yeah, unfortunately, for a lot of guys out there foreplay is an unknown word. So they think that as soon as their buddy goes up, they can just shove it in and seal the deal.  But they often forget one very important thing – that their partner/wife might not have been really wet during the act of penetration. And then they also forget that sex isn’t only about penetration.  And then they forget a third thing – that their wife isn’t obliged to be horny as soon as their dick goes hard. She needs to get there somehow, right? And that’s when foreplay comes into play.  Ask yourself the following question: would you penetrate your partner if your dick was soft? No, you wouldn’t. And that’s how it is with women: if they’re not wet, they’re not as aroused as you are, and you have to put in a little effort and help them out. A good indicator is, of course, how wet they are, but also their clitoris and how engorged it is. NOTE: It’s fair to say, however, that some women, even when they get aroused can’t get wet. In that case, make sure to use lube!

Foreplay is a vast arena of things you can do

I mean, there are lots of aspects to foreplay: there is the kissing and dirty talk, the handjob/fingering, there’s sex toy play, oral sex – cunnilingus, boob play, etc.  Quickies are great, don’t get me wrong, but sex isn’t only about penetration. Most women can’t even orgasm solely from penetration, and some women experience pain from it as well.  Also, foreplay extends sex play and it gives you more time to get to the same (or similar) level of arousal. It can also make sex more pleasurable and enjoyable for your partner if she’s not very keen on penetration. Both partners should enjoy sex, there’s no doubt about it. Figuring out the ways to keep your wife satisfied and make her aroused is the right path towards good sex.  Foreplay helps you maintain and build intimacy with your partner; it reflects greatly on yours and hers confidence, and it can bring novelty and excitement to your sex life.  

Sex Myth #3 Gay Men are the Only Ones who Can Enjoy Anal Sex/Pleasure 

This has been detrimental to men’s sexual satisfaction. Lots of men have been stuck in the same mantra for ages: men penetrate, women receive, and that’s it. Anal pleasure is reserved only for gay men and some women.  But why should gay men have all the fun?  There’s nothing wrong with anal sex. In fact, it can be really pleasurable, when done the right way. And people know it.  Consider this report from Men’s Health: the National Survey of Family Growth (conducted between the years 2006 and 2008, with people aged between 15-44) came to the conclusion that “44 percent of straight men and 36 percent of straight women have had anal sex at least once in their lives.”  The trends, it seems, have been a-changing, to echo dear old Bob Dylan.  Both men and women enjoy anal sex – straight, gay, and whatever else on the spectrum. Turns out there’s a lot of stuff you can do with the butt.  Also, if you engage in anal sex, and its subtype which in straight circles is called pegging (that’s when you’re penetrated by a dildo or a strap on), it doesn’t mean that your sexual orientation will change. If it does change, which is also cool, it’s going to be the result of something else than the pegging or anal play itself.  But more men are experimenting with anal toys as well, and are becoming more and more open to the question, which is a good sign. I encourage you to take a look at this article from AskMen where men share their experiences with different types of anal play – by using toys, their partner’s fingers and their own fingers as well. 

Sex Myth #4 You Shouldn’t Use Sex Toys Because They Might Replace You 

Uh, no. So not true.  It seems that for a lot of men out there, sex toys are still taboo.  Guys often feel inferior beside them and think they’re not being good lovers if they use them during sex.  While sex toys can be a great helping hand in the sack, they definitely won’t replace you. Or work against you in any way, for that matter. I think for women this is much clearer than it is for men.  Sex toys aren’t a measuring tool, nor are they proof that someone is good or bad enough in bed. On the contrary – they serve to enhance your pleasure. There’s nothing to lose by using a sex toy – you can only gain.  And with so much variety and choice on the market, it’s a real pity not to try, especially if your partner is really eager about it.  I suggest you indulge your partner and keep an open mind if they keep suggesting to try a toy together. It means that they want to bring some novelty into your sex life, and that’s always a good thing. 

Sex Myth #5 Women Can Orgasm Through Penetration Only 

This is why we desperately need widespread sex education.  Sure, porn can get you off quickly, it can be an interesting, forbidden pleasure when you’re a teenager or young adult. But by no means can it be a replacement for proper sex ed.  A lot of stuff is exaggerated in porn – the female orgasm included.  I’ve said this countless times in my articles, and I’ll say it countless more times until men learn their lesson. Not all women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone. In fact, it’s just a small minority who can. According to research reported by ABCNews “[A]bout 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone.” This means that “without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue” women just won’t cum during sex! Also, according to sex researchers, “27 percent of women don’t climax during vaginal sex.” That’s a lot of women, folks.  And that’s what happens when you make porn your only go-to place for female pleasure and sex ed. I know that oftentimes it’s not really your fault. You just didn’t have the chance to have someone to talk to or find the proper sex ed resources. But once you’re older and you do get a sense of things, then there’s no excuse.  When you’re in a relationship it’s always about the two of you, you’re never alone. So why is it so hard to talk to your partner/wife, ask her how she feels, what she likes during sex? I know these topics can be difficult, especially for couples who aren’t used to talking about sex openly, but they may very well change your sex life for the better if you start. 

Clitoris – the man’s best friend

You will soon discover that yes, the clitoris can be your best friend, as it often is to women around the globe. In heterosexual relationships, the clitoris often doesn’t get the attention it deserves, and that’s a real pity.  I’ve said countless times: most of women’s orgasms come primarily through clitoral stimulation. Which means only one thing: you have to sort out your priorities during sex, my friend.  Regardless of the size of your penis, if you don’t spend a little time with the clit as well, there’s no size big enough that’ll satisfy your lady. 

Sex Myth #6 Good Sex Equals Long Sex (and Vice Versa)  

This is another thorn in the side of many men out there. We think that in order for sex to constitute as good it has to last for ages. And when I say sex here I mean – again, penetrative sex.  Now, according to a study done from two universities in the Netherlands, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, from the onset of penetration to the ejaculation itself, men tended to orgasm in about 5.4 minutes. This average tended to decrease with age, falling from “6.5 minutes in the 18-30 years group, to 4.3 minutes in the group older than 51 years.”   But another interesting finding of this study done with 500 couples was that there was a huge discrepancy in ejaculation times, ranging from half a minute to 44 minutes! So what does this tell us? That sex and particularly good sex isn’t dependent solely on penetration and how long you’re inside your partner.  I mean, I know guys dread premature ejaculation and having an orgasm in the first couple of minutes once they start penetration. They fear that they’ll disappoint their wife or partner, that they’ll fail to satisfy her sexually, and that somehow it’ll affect their masculinity as well. 

Good sex isn’t only about one type of sex play or duration  

But as we saw already throughout this article and other articles of mine, good sex isn’t only about penetration; the same goes for female pleasure.  Here, again, the probable culprit of this lasting long in bed fixation is porn. Porn is where you get to see guys going on and on for 15, 20, 30 minutes, and sometimes even a whole hour on end.  But in reality, almost nobody does that nor can physically last that long. By doing Kegel exercises you can get to about 20-30 minutes, sure. But who even wants to or has the time to enjoy penetration for an hour?! There’s a lot more to sex than just that, believe me. 

Make sure your partner gives you feedback

And of course, your partner’s feedback (yet again) is crucial here. Talking together with your wife about what it is you want to do during sex and foreplay, how long you want it to last, how long you and her want the penetration to last is going to help you feel less pressured the next time you have sex. You’ll also enjoy it a lot more.  I mean, lots of women probably don’t need penetration to be that long since most of them can’t orgasm from it anyways, even though it feels pleasurable. They may think it’s perfectly timed, and you may not know it because you’ve never discussed it together.  Besides, if you want to make sex last longer because you simply want to prolong the pleasure of it, you can complement it with other activities. Throw in 10, 15, even 20 minutes of foreplay – make out, use a toy, have oral sex, and then go for the penetration, which usually lasts 5-10 minutes. And there you have it, 30-40 minutes of sexual activity which you’ll both enjoy and feel fulfilled in the end.  And then do it all over again if you feel like it!

Sex Myth #7 Men Have to Be in Charge in the Bedroom 

This is another myth connected to feelings of masculinity. Men feel like they need to do all the work when it comes to seduction and initiating sex. This is because they fear they’ll end up cowards in their partner’s eyes. Of course, it’s all connected to how society views the roles of men and women.  But things have changed and are still changing and we don’t need to cling to outdated models of behavior, gender roles, and expectations.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t want to be “in charge” in the bedroom or take control. It’s ok if you’re tired of doing that your whole life. It’s not that men are active and women are passive. There isn’t anything intrinsic about the biological sex that makes us one way or another. It’s about preferences and types of personalities.  And even if you enjoy being the initiator, it’s good to mix it up occasionally. But I encourage you to discuss this with your partner.  Tell her what you want her to do with you. Want her to come to you when she’s horny and “push” you on the wall? Or grab your crotch, speak dirty words in your ear, give you a blow job unexpectedly? Communicate it! Tell her it’s ok to send you dirty texts while you’re at work (if it is indeed ok), to take control once in a while, or most of the time if you both prefer it that way.  It can definitely put some spark in your sex life! 

Final Thoughts

So, I’ve gone over the 7 most common myths men need to unlearn in the bedroom and I really hope it did make some difference in your way of thinking. I hope it at least made you reevaluate some notions you’ve been harboring possibly your whole life.  One way, of course, is to reeducate yourself and get as much information regarding sex and relationships as you can. But another, equally important way is to talk to your partner and talk all the time. Not just once or twice, but keep each other constantly updated on what it is you want and are bothered by, what are your current or ongoing desires, fantasies, what it is you want to change…  Nothing can replace open and honest communication with your partner. And, this is definitely something both of you should strive to encourage and promote in one another. 

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