How Can You Get Your Wife to Initiate Sex More?Granted, there’s a lot of fear hovering in the air once you start talking to your wife about sex. You have no idea how she’ll respond or whether she’d even be responsive enough to actually start talking about the subject. You’ll wonder whether they’ll be upset, ashamed, or maybe even angry. You’re afraid that she’ll tell you she doesn’t find you attractive anymore or that you’re not satisfying her enough in the sack. In one word – these kinds of conversations make you vulnerable in front of your partner. And that’s a really tough position to take at times, although it’s definitely worth it if you want to fix the sex rut you’ve been stuck in.
Reconsider the misconceptions you might be having about sex and sexual desireEnduring misconceptions about sex are no stranger to men all over the world. Lack of proper sex education coupled with particular ways of your upbringing, family, and religious values – all of this can contribute to misconceptions about sex and the workings of sexual desire. And one of the first things to have in mind is spontaneous and responsive sexual desire. Sexual desire isn’t always spontaneous. A lot of the time, in fact, we simply have to get into the mood and have sex, rather than just see our partner and immediately get turned on. Real-life is often not like this, contrary to what we see in the movies and in porn.
People don’t know how to initiate sex (even though they want to)Yep, that’s also true. As I mentioned earlier, family, religious values, upbringings, societal expectations all affect a person’s attitude towards sex. Sometimes it’s just a matter of learning to communicate one’s needs better. Which basically means – it’s not personal. So if your wife doesn’t really show initiative when it comes to sex, besides these 8 potential reasons, it could just be because she’s shy or has fears of rejection. And once you do have a clear overview of what might be causing your wife’s lack of sexual desire or lack of initiation, get to the other part – work on them. Start communicating. Let’s see what are some of the strategies, tips, and techniques you can use TO get your wife to initiate sex more.
Ask Yourself the Question: Why Do People Initiate Sex?I get it – this might seem like a totally redundant question. But believe it or not, it’s not. For pleasure, yeah. For the ecstasy of the orgasm, sure. But the reasons behind why people initiate sex are deeper than sheer pleasure. We initiate sex because we need to feel desired because we want our partner to also have sex with us. So it’s not just about fulfilling physical needs with the other person who happens to be your life partner. It’s about mutual desire, feeling like you need and want each other, which makes the sex way sexier. Which brings me to the following point: if you want to make your wife initiate sex more, then you will have to find out what makes her horny, what fuels her desire, and keeps the erotic flame burning. This also means that your partner/wife may be up for sex in particular times or particular ways – so sometimes it’s actually a question of when or how, rather than if at all. Petra Zebroff Ph.D., a sex therapist who’s been helping couples and individuals navigate their sex lives for more than 20 years, says the following for PsychologyToday: “I have asked thousands of men and women in long-term relationships to weigh in on their experiences with sexual initiation—how they like it, what turns them on, and whether they are satisfied with how sex is initiated in their current relationship. Two results stand out: Many people are unhappy with the way their partner initiates sex. Everyone is different when it comes to how they want sex to start.” She then goes on to say: don’t assume! Numerous studies have shown that people don’t actually know what their partners want or have a very vague idea about it.
Find out how your partner likes to start foreplay or sexWe’re often wrong when we assume whether our partner wants to have sex or not.We sometimes think that they’re interested when they’re not, and vise versa – that they aren’t when in fact they would very much like to have sex at the moment. The same goes for how we think they want to start foreplay and sex. We often think our partners want to do it exactly the same way we do, but that’s just not the case. So we have to meet each other halfway. If you’re turned on by kissing or dirty talk, it doesn’t mean that automatically your partner is as well, even if you’ve initiated sex like this countless times before, and she complied. So finding out what your partner prefers when sex is brought on the table can potentially spare you a lot of unnecessary rejection.
How can you do this? Well, for starters, ask her. Yeah, it’s that simple.But when you ask, you need to ask in the right way. Petra Zebroff suggests you ask the “Would you rather…” type of questions.
- Like, for example, you can ask her whether she wants to start with touching or whether she prefers it to be more verbal? Because talking can be a very strong form of foreplay. Sometimes dirty talk can make you horny as nothing else can! But some people really prefer the physicality of the act of sex initiation. They can get excited and electrified at the very touch of your skin, a strong hug, and making out.
- Or you can ask her whether she likes to do it more directly or prefers it to be more clandestine and more subtle? Maybe she’s ashamed to admit she’s the type of woman who likes to be pretty straightforward when it comes to having sex when she wants to have it. Maybe she needs a little encouragement from you to let her know that it’s okay (if it is okay with you) to say: Take your clothes off right now! (or something in that manner), or to just ask you plain and simple: Do you want to have sex right now? Are you in the mood?
They may want to play a little game, they may want to flirt, tease you, start off with light foreplay, etc.
- Another thing you can do is ask her whether she wants it to feel more spontaneous when she does it, or more planned and anticipated? Maybe she’s a woman who likes to slowly get to the point of being aroused by planning it, building it up. Other women may want the opposite. They may want it to be more spontaneous, address their sexual desire the moment it shows up, the moment something triggers it.
But it’s rarely either/or…Of course, most women, don’t wanna do things in only two ways – either one way or another. However,h they may prefer some ways more than others. But oftentimes it’s a real mixture of approaches and that’s okay. Our lives are messy and our schedules often hectic, so why not encourage each other to be extra responsive to our desires and needs? You need to keep communicating on these issues, all the time. Even if you run into opposition, in the beginning, don’t give up. As I said before, talking about sex is difficult for some people, since it makes both parties pretty vulnerable. Listen closely to your wife/partner’s answers, and be open to them. Don’t allow yourself to be judgemental. Finding new things about your partner, especially when it comes to your sex life, and especially if you haven’t talked about it before, can really bring you closer together and make you more intimate with each other. And this in itself can affect your sex life in some really good ways. One of them is to feel more comfortable with one another when sharing your fantasies and desires.
Format the Conversation Around Sex Like an ExchangeWhen you set out to discuss your sex life with your partner, it’s important to approach the talk in a specific way. Look at it like an opportunity where you get to openly discuss your concerns, desires, but also ideas and solutions to the problems you might be having. Avoid using phrases like “Why do you never initiate sex with me?”, “It’s so frustrating how you never initiate sex…” These kinds of statements are very unlikely to bring both of you towards a more fruitful conversation. They can only make your partner feel attacked, anxious, and even less confident in sharing what might be the potential reasons behind their lack of initiative in sex. Instead, start with “I” statements – that way you’ll be better able to communicate your feelings without immediately putting the blame on the other person. So, instead, you can start with something like this: “Recently I’ve felt kind of unwanted… I feel like I’m the only one initiating the sex in our relationship and I wanted to ask you whether there’s a problem, or something you want to share with me.” This is a much better approach than the one above because it doesn’t make your partner feel attacked. Rather, it gives her an opportunity to share her feelings as well or explain why things have been like that.
Be encouraging towards your partnerYou can tell your partner that you’d appreciate it if they try to be more forthcoming in the bedroom, but do it in an encouraging way. So you can say something like: “I love it when we have sex” or “I really like having sex with you”, “When you come near me I feel wanted, desired, and I get horny so fast!”. Really, you can’t go wrong with any statements that have an affirmative, positive tone, rather than others that sound like you’re accusing them of doing something wrong. Listen attentively when they respond, don’t interrupt them, and give them time if they’re reluctant at first. Look out for any other feelings of anxiety, fear, insecurity, and the like that might come up as well. After the first round of response(s), you can also try to ask her why she’s felt this way, why she doesn’t like to initiate sex? Ask what your role may be in all of that. Ask how you can help them overcome it, to give you some suggestions on how you can encourage or inspire them to initiate it more. And sometimes you might be surprised by the answer. Maybe she’ll say that she feels like she is initiating it enough and that it’s just your perceptions. You will have to take into consideration the validity of this statement as well. Maybe you just have different conceptions of who gets to initiate sex more and how (equally) often both parties should do it.
Be specificBe as specific as you can during these types of discussions you’ll be having with your partner. This will help both of you understand each other better, be clear about your needs and concerns, and also know that you’re on the same page. Give specific suggestions to your partner, like for example, how often you’d actually want them to initiate sex. This will reduce your chance of misunderstandings by a long shot. Because if you just say “I want you to initiate sex more often”, well, how much does “often” mean in this particular instance? Different people have different criteria, it’s normal. They also may understand the concept of initiation differently than you. And that’s why it pays off to be as specific as you can (just don’t turn it into a mathematical formula, please – that’ll ruin everything!).
Find Out What’s Important for the Both of You When Time for Seduction ComesSo once you go over the basic details of how frequent you want/need it to be, it’s time to cross over to the more nitty-gritty details of the stages of seduction and initiation. Finding out what works for you here is vital. According to Dr. Jess O’Reilly, who has a podcast titled SexWithDrJess, there are two ways you can effectively do this.
The first wayThe first way is called “Frequency Exercise”. This exercise will require of you to take a piece of paper and write a list of how often you want to have sex with your partner. After that, you will also need to write how often you think your partner/wife would like to have sex with you. Your partner should do the same. The second part of the exercise is when you compare the notes you’ve written. The more in tune your desires and perceptions are, the better. But even if they aren’t, no fuss. This is the first step to get them there, so no worries!
The second wayThis second exercise, called the “Seduction Interview” (sexy right?), will make you ask each other questions like:
- When is the best time to initiate sex? Should I do it at a particular time of the day, or a particular day of the week?
- When should I avoid initiating sex?
- Do you have in mind an idea (or image) of the type of seduction you’d want me to use on you? Maybe seen it somewhere, or read about it?
- How do you like to be touched? What is your “touch preference” during this flirtatious, foreplayish, initiation/seduction phase?
- What are the things you don’t want me to do? What should I avoid? Where should I avoid touching you?
- What are the areas of your body you want me to begin with?
- How should I make you feel so you can be open to the initiation/seduction?
- Should I follow any cues? Are there any particular cues to follow, and what are they if they exist?
- And are they any cues that’ll tell me you aren’t interested in being seduced? What are they?