We’re lucky we live in an age where the word BDSM isn’t as controversial as it once was. Did you know that the theme of power, control, and rough sex is the second most common sexual fantasy? Really, it’s no wonder – BDSM offers plenty of room to spice up your sex life.
If you didn’t already know, BDSM stands for: “Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, and Masochism.” If that sounds “weird”, you can relax. There’s nothing strange, unhealthy, or dangerous about expressing your sexual desires in different ways, including dominance and submission erotic play.
In this article, I’m going to talk about the bondage part of this acronym. Yes, this is a beginner’s guide for bondage If it’s an itch you and your wife want to scratch, read on to learn everything you need to know about this fun, exciting, erotic, and sexy way to play in the bath, bed, and beyond!
What Exactly Is Bondage?
Bondage as a part of a consensual BDSM practice or activity includes tying up, restraining, binding, cuffing, or even chaining (a more extreme type of bondage) your partner for erotic and aesthetic pleasure. The erotic pleasure can turn into a sexual one, full of somatic (bodily) stimulation.
Types of Bondage
Bondage can be done using many different accessories. Here, I’m going to briefly show you the main props people use.
BDSM Tapes
Source: loveislove.com
Nowadays you have special bondage tapes that are designed to be as gentle as possible on the skin. However, they’re also sturdy and even intimidating-looking, which means they’re the perfect items to prepare you for a true BDSM experience. They’re usually made of latex and adhere only to themselves, and not to the skin like regular types of tape that stick to any surface.
The good thing is that you can quickly and easily remove the tape with scissors. Make sure to use blunt-tipped scissors so you don’t hurt your wife while cutting through the red tape ;).
Cuffs
Source: kinkly.com
If you’ve ever purchased a pair of cuffs from the local sex shop, or maybe even a regular store during Halloween, and used them in the bedroom – then you’ve definitely already tried some bondage! Cuffs are one of the most popular bondage items out there. They come in different shapes and sizes. If your wife doesn’t like to be chafed much but wants the full BDSM experience, look for the cuff varieties that are gentler on the wrists and ankles, i.e. ones that have thicker, softer padding on the inside. These are more comfortable than the regular police handcuffs that are also pretty popular among BDSM-loving enthusiasts.
Full bed restraints or under the bed restraints
Source: littleshopofpleasures.com
A more hard-core variety of handcuffs are full bed restraints. Full bed restraints are a set of cuffs and belts that are placed under the mattress of your bed and voila! You have a for a full-on bondage experience.
Ropes
Source: passioncraftstore.com
Ropes are a more classic, old school way of introducing bondage play into your sexual routine. Particular types of rope bondage – like tying special knots around your wife’s body – are considered as an artistic discipline in their own right in the BDSM subculture.
There’s also a type of Japanese bondage, called “kinbaku” or “shibari”, which brings rope bondage practices to new artistic heights. If you want to try Japanese bondage, you will need to use special ropes. You’ll also need some time to learn the visually pleasing and enticing tying patterns the purpose of which is to maximize the aesthetic and erotic experience of bondage in BDSM.
Read on to learn erotic bondage techniques and sex positions!
Further down I’m going to talk more about tying your wife up. Consider it rope bondage 101. I’m also going to give you some tips and tricks on how to use the other bondage types I’ve listed here for a truly special BDSM night in your own home.
Why Do We Like Bondage So Much?
As I mentioned earlier, BDSM is the second most popular sexual fantasy, standing just behind threesomes and group sex.
Obviously, there isn’t only one reason why people are into BDSM, or bondage in particular. There are many roads to the same, sexy conclusion.
Oftentimes it has to do with giving up control and surrendering yourself to the other person, thus feeling the excitement of being at their “mercy”. This is called submissive behavior and the people in that position are called “submissives”. Of course, in order for the practice to really be BDSM, it has to be consensual. It means that boundaries are usually pre-negotiated and both partners have agreed on what to do, and, more importantly, what not to do. You’ll find that while it may seem counterintuitive, the real control in BDSM is in the (tied) hands of the submissive.
On the other hand, there are also people who get off by being dominant – “dominatrix” is the term for women doing this, and a “dominant” is the term for men. These people like to be in charge, give orders, humiliate their partners, and control their sexual behavior, deciding whether they get to climax or not. This is also supposed to be consensual behavior in the practice.
People who are submissives get excited by being restrained and struggling to break free. They also like to be ordered around and to sit, lie, or stand obediently in place, waiting for the next round of instructions or controlled stimulation from their dominant partners. These situations often cause an adrenaline rush which can heighten the sexual experience.
Bondage is often accompanied by other BDSM practices
Alongside bondage, you’ll find additional BDSM accessories such as blindfolds, scarfs, gag-balls, costumes, special types of clothes and materials, sensation-play items such as spanking gear or canes for tickling, and many others.
Further down I’ll talk a little bit more about how you can combine different elements of BDSM and get the most of its exciting opportunities for a truly fulfilling and thrilling sex play.
Bondage for Beginners – The Basics of Bondage
So you want to try bondage – good for you! And while, yes, BDSM isn’t for everyone, it does interest a lot of people more than they care to admit. Since you’ve decided to give it a try, why not make the best of it and enter with all the skills a BDSM enthusiast can acquire?!
With that in mind, let’s take a look at the main elements of Bondage 101.
Choosing Your Type of Bondage
As I mentioned earlier, bondage doesn’t only mean ropes. It actually encompasses many different kinds of accessories used for the pleasure of tying someone up or being tied up. In that regard, we have cuffs, tapes, chains, and DIY bondage stemming from clothing items such as ties, scarves, and the like.
Now, when I say choose your type of bondage, I don’t mean you have to just choose one type and then stick with it. You can always experiment to see what works best for both you and your wife.
It’s best to begin by choosing the kind of bondage materials which will minimize damage to your wife’s skin and limbs. There will often be some kind of chafing, bruising, and scraping from bondage accessories, especially ropes. That’s why it’s also important to talk to your wife about how much discomfort they’re comfortable enduring and which parts of their bodies they’re OK with having marks on.
Let’s get a closer look at ropes, as there are a lot of rope varieties out there.
Bondage for Beginners – Ropes
Okay, so I found a really neat site that I encourage you to check out for everything related to rope bondage. It’s called The Duchy, and it’s a great place to look at materials and tutorials on this exciting practice.
Since in this article, I’m only going to give you the gist of it, I recommend that you check out the website if you want to delve into the details.
Choosing Your Rope
Now, when you’re choosing a rope, it might get a bit overwhelming at first, because there are dozens of different types of bondage ropes available.
Usually, bondage ropes are split into two main categories:
- Natural fiber ropes:
- Hemp
- Sisal
- Jute
- Cotton
- Coconut
- Synthetic fiber ropes:
- Nylon
- Mixed fiber Rope
- Poly-pro
- MFP (multi-fiber propylene)
- Parachute cord.
Following The Duchy’s advice, I’d say that you can start out with cheap solid-core braided cotton. It’s a natural type of rope, made of cotton. And, very importantly, it holds knots really well (it has enough friction or enough “tooth” as they say in the rope bondage community). It’s also great for suspension because it doesn’t stretch much, and especially not in unpredictable ways.
Other than that, you can consider nylon and other types of synthetic ropes, which are great if you want to have colored ropes (they hold dye much better). These kinds of ropes are good for most types of bondage. But, they aren’t recommended for suspension because they stretch more.
How thick and how long should the bondage ropes be?
People most often use bondage ropes that are about 6mm thick and have a diameter of ¼ inch.
Still, the thickness of the rope mostly has to do with personal preferences and aesthetics.
Some people like a slightly thinner rope of about 5mm, and some like thicker ropes of 8mm, which are especially good for “suspension support lines”, also called “up lines”.
There’s also a type of bondage rope with 10mm thickness, which is recommended for “floor work as it distributes the force across a wider area and can be more comfortable,” and as a “safer choice for use as suspension up lines”.
The downside of ropes that are thicker is that as you tie the knots, they become increasingly bulky.
Length-wise, it also comes down to personal preference.
Say your wife or girlfriend wants you to tie her ankles, wrists, or limbs to some kind of a post (like a bedpost, for example). For this, you can use about 4 pieces of rope, each consisting of a 3m (10 feet) wide rope, which should be enough for most people.
On the other hand, if you want to tie up the knees and thighs, or use it as a waist belt, then you’d need 4 pieces of a 5m (15 feet) rope
Lastly, if you want to use it for harnesses, you will need 2 to 4 pieces of about 9m (30 feet) length ropes.
Bondage for Beginners – How to Tie Her Up 101
Okay, so this is the treat of the article – how to actually tie your wife using bondage rope! I’m only going to give you a couple of rookie bondage types, just so you can get the hang of it.
For more, try to find a local mentor who can show it to you in person, if possible. You can also always take online courses, or look for instructional videos. Alternatively, you can also get some books on the topic and learn that way.
You can also read about how to tie the so-called “core” knots so you can keep the ropes in check.
Bikini Harness
Source: theduchy.com
This is one of the most famous and most basic types of rope bondage. It’s also often used as a “first layer” of bondage, on top of which you can add other rope configurations.
The bikini harness is recommended for “floor work”, aka “non-suspension bondage”. It’s not a good choice for suspension.
The length of the rope for this kind of harness should be at least 9m or 30 feet long, possibly even longer for people of larger stature. The rope in the picture is about 6mm thick.
You can also watch a tutorial for this type of harness, complete with images and videos.
Bondage Belt
Source: theduchy.com
This is another type of rope bondage that’s considered easier to do and is, therefore, a good choice for rookies.
It’s a very sexy type of bondage that you can also use as handcuffs!
Check out the video and instructions if you need a bit more detail.
Frog Tie
Source: theduchy.com
A frog tie is a type of bondage where the ankles are tied to the thighs.
It’s a simple and easy technique that gives doggy style a bit of an edge.
And if you wanna look at the bondage technique step-by-step, check the video instructions.
Wrap and Cinch Double Column
Source: theduchy.com
You can think of this type of bondage technique as another type of handcuffs. The great thing about it is that it’s still in rookie territory, and you can use it on different places of the body.
Does she like it when you tie her ankles? Or her wrists, maybe? You can use it on both!
And if she’s extremely flexible, she can have her elbows tied. This technique also works well with tying the wrists and thighs together, as well as the wrists and ankles.
And if you’re more of the visual type, you can always look at the instructional video where this is explained in more detail…
Bondage and Other Types of BDSM Play
For a lot of people out there, bondage comes along with the additional forms of BDSM play and BDSM accessories.
As you may know, the world of BDSM is vast and it offers plenty of other treats. So, why not use more than one at the same time?
Next, I want to give you some ideas on how you can combine some of the other BDSM accessories and practices. Read on to find out sexy new scenarios and combinations for the bedroom!
Spanking boards and whips
If both of you have a thing for spanking, why not try it out alongside bondage? If you don’t have any accessories, you can just use your hands.
But, if you want to splurge a little, then get a spanking board, or maybe a whip. You know, in case your lady wants a harder spank.
Include dirty talk
Alongside the bondage and the spanking, why not throw in a couple of naughty, dirty phrases?
Use a blindfold
Using a blindfold is a mild form of sensory deprivation that’s bound to make the whole bondage experience even sexier. You know how it goes – losing one sense heightens the others.
If your wife is the submissive one, you can put the blindfold on them before you start tying the ropes, adding extra excitement to your new bondage techniques!
Try edging or orgasm control
What better way to play the dominant partner than to include a little edging?
If you’re in for a little sex game of withholding orgasms, you can try and tease your wife by bringing them to the edge of an orgasm and then stopping just before she comes. And you can do this a couple of times, or however many your wife is comfortable with.
You can do it by fingering her, through penetration, or by using sex toys such as a wand vibrator or a dildo. You can also do it through cunnilingus.
Include costumes and/or sexual roleplay
Sexual roleplay is among the top 7 most popular sexual fantasies. If you don’t believe me, just ask sexpert Justin Lehmiller!
Adding roleplay to bondage will just double the fun.
My advice is to pick two characters from a film, a TV show, a book, or elsewhere, depending on where your interests lie. Look for characters that enact really strong power struggles in their relationship, and enact it. Alternatively, if you want to get more creative, you can just take a couple that you really like and paint their story with your own imagination, so that you can include bondage as well.
Using a ball-gag
I think ball-gags, alongside latex and leather, are sort of the poster item for BDSM. And they make for one helluva sexy submissive combination when used with bondage!
Sex Positions for Rope Bondage
This is another fun part of rope bondage I simply cannot omit, Let’s take a look at some of the best sex positions you can use with your newfound knowledge of rope bondage techniques and types.
Bondage sex in the spooning position
That’s right, you can practice bondage and have great sex while staying in the spooning position.
Your wife’s hands can be tied like in the wrap and cinch double-column harness and you can spoon her from behind. Her arms should be stretched in front of her while you penetrate and rock her hips. You can also use a sex toy if that’s what you prefer.
Plus, this is a good opportunity to include some spanking, if your wife is up for it.
Bondage sex with under the bed restraints
Obviously, this also counts as bondage sex and it can be pretty damn sexy.
If your wife is the submissive one, you can tie all four of her extremities with the help of bed restraints that go under the mattress.
Now, the options are endless. If your wife’s open to including other accessories and BDSM practices, you can use a blindfold, a whip, a tickling rode, etc.
She can be lying face down towards the bed or upwards towards you, whichever both of you prefer. If she’s facing down it might make the whole experience a bit edgier since she can’t see your face.
In this position, you can either penetrate her, finger her, play with her boobs and buttocks, include some sensation play, like sliding ice cubes on her skin, or you can engage in wax play, which is a more serious type of temperature play.
You can use this position (as nearly any other) for anal play (anal penetration and/or rimming), if your wife’s up for it too.
Bondage sex when the wrists and ankles are tied together
This is another way you can make doggy pose even more fun. Tie your partner’s wrists to her ankles and bend her over some sort of a counter or a high stool (like a bar stool, for example).
You can also include spanking (it’s perfect for it, in fact), and/or you can try edging and orgasm control by “torturing” your wife into having a couple of orgasm close calls. For the finish, make her beg for that orgasm with a couple of really dirty words!
Ankles and wrists – Part 2
Okay, this type of harness obviously offers a lot, so why not make the best of it? I mean when you reverse it, i.e. when you make your partner lie on her back with this harness, it becomes perfect for cunnilingus!
It’s a position that makes the submissive pretty vulnerable, which, of course, makes the whole experience even more BDSM.
What you can do is order your wife to lie still, and then spread her legs as much as they go. She can press her thighs closer to her chest, giving you the whole area wide-open for her pleasure, and yours.
Then you can proceed with cunnilingus and show her what a pro you are at it. You can also penetrate her, finger her, use a sex toy… you know the drill by now.
This is far from an exhaustive list of all the bondage sex positions, but, for now, it’s time we move on to the do’s and don’ts of beginner bondage.
I advise you to always experiment and see what’s sexy and comfortable for both parties. After that, it’s simple – just go with it. And if you like doing it, you can always do it some more…
Beginner Bondage – the Do’s and Don’ts
Okay, next I’m going to talk a bit about what you should and shouldn’t do when first setting out to experience the magic of BDSM bondage.
Don’t try bondage for the first time with strangers
I mean, I think the title itself is pretty self-explanatory. As with any type of BDSM play, bondage requires a good amount of trust in order to make it a safe and enjoyable experience for both parties.
Sure, almost none of the BDSM practices are 100% safe, but doing them with a person you trust and know for longer than a single night. It will significantly lower the chances of injury, serious health consequences, or potential abuse.
So, my advice is that if you’re really craving to try bondage, get to know the person a little better before you set out to do it. If you’re already in a long term relationship, and you have established a solid basis for trust, then you’re good to go and ready to cross over to the other do’s and don’ts of BDSM bondage.
Introduce it slowly and gradually to your wife
What I mean by this is not that you should wait for months or even years before you start talking about bondage with your wife.
However, it is advisable that you drop a couple of hints first before you initiate that big conversation.
What do I mean when I say drop some hints? Well, it could be as simple as giving them the right erotic fiction book to read, or changing your usual porn videos with something a bit kinkier that involves bondage. This is what’s called “planting the seed” in the mind of your wife before you start talking about what kind of ropes or cuffs you want to buy.
By gradually introducing them to the idea of bondage and BDSM in general, you’ll better manage to soften their attitude to it. This is especially important if your wife is more reluctant or ashamed to try new sexual practices, and if they need more time to digest even the smallest of changes in your sexual routine.
So don’t go with “Hey babe, you think you can tie me up tonight?” or “Honey, I’d be so thrilled if you’d allow me to tie your hands and feet on the bed tonight and spank you!” Leave these for a time when they’re much more comfortable with the subject.
Don’t let any misconceptions about bondage spoil the fun of the experience
Nowadays, times are much better for trying BDSM than they were in the past. They’re still not perfect, though. BDSM is still enshrouded by lots of controversies and misconceptions. And while a certain dose of mystery is what gives this set of practices its desired edge and erotic power, false or incomplete information might put you off from trying anything BDSM related – even if you really wanted to at first.
So, it’s important to nip these misconceptions in the bud, from the very beginning of your journey into BDSM territory. The best way to fight misconceptions is to inform yourself, of course. And not just from any source, but from valid, professional sources that actually know what they’re talking about.
If you’ve already tried some BDSM and you realized it’s not really for you – keep in mind that nobody’s forcing you to keep doing it. You can always opt out of it and try something that’s more up your alley.
Never skip communicating with your wife and building trust
The golden rule of relationships is, of course, communication. Sometimes people forget that the same goes for sex! Oftentimes it’s because they’re too afraid or too ashamed to talk about their sex life, so they sort of put it on the side for better times – which may never arrive.
When you decide to introduce BDSM practices in your bedroom, it becomes an absolute imperative to communicate as best and as clear as you can. What does this mean? It means establishing boundaries, talking about what you expect during sex or foreplay, talking about what’s allowed and what isn’t, sharing your concerns and desires, as well as expectations…
Trust here plays an immense role, as well. You can’t have quality BDSM play without proper trust between partners.
The use of a safe word
Safe words are super important in BDSM. This is because BDSM is essentially based on power, control, and submission, as well as surrendering, releasing control of your own body to another person, the dominant. That’s also why it’s important to discuss boundaries and to also come up with the so-called safe word, a word or a phrase you can utter at any time during the BDSM sex play when you feel uncomfortable, scared, feel like a boundary has been crossed, or just want it all to stop.
A safe word can be anything – a simple word or phrase. If your mouth is closed and you’re somehow prevented from talking during the sex play, you can use a safe gesture or movement as an alternative. You can do this together with your wife. That way you can both agree about the safe word.
Have in mind that the presence of a safe word doesn’t mean that BDSM is dangerous, life-threatening or scary. It’s just a mechanism to ensure you’re always, in some way, aware of each other’s needs and taking care of each other’s safety.
Besides, the use of safe words gives you the opportunity to actually enhance the trust in your relationship, bringing you and your partner closer. The willingness to listen to each other’s desires and needs is a great way to bond emotionally and sexually.
So, BDSM is not just a rough sexual experience – it can also be romantic and help your relationship for the better. Alternatively, it can also expose your relationship’s flaws and weaknesses.
You don’t need to label yourselves immediately – or at all – if you don’t feel like it
I talked earlier about the submissive and dominant roles in BDSM play. However, that doesn’t mean they’re set in stone.
That’s because there’s another role called “switch”, which allows you to switch between roles. Some days you feel more like the dominant one, and other days like a submissive. There are no rules to this – it depends on how you feel and what your current sexual and erotic needs are. I mean, some people spend their whole lives being switches and it works great for them.
What I’m trying to say is you don’t have to determine your dom or sub roles immediately and stick with them forever. Very few people who enter BDSM territory know exactly what they want in the beginning.
Instead, try doing both roles and see what works best for you at the moment. If there’s a pattern of sub or dom behavior, you’re probably more comfortable with that role, and it excites and stimulates you sexually.
Be the one who breaks the ice
This might be a good way to show your wife there’s nothing to be afraid of. Take the first step! Show them BDSM is not as intimidating as it sounds.
You can say something like “I want to try wearing a blindfold tonight while you give me a blow job”. Once you go through with it, recount how great you felt during the act and say how you want to do it again.
By showing her how much fun you had, you’re bringing the experience closer to them and making it more familiar. Consequently, it might also inspire her to try it out themselves next time you have sex.
Start simple
When you’re new to the whole BDSM bondage thing, it’s best to start simple and keep it that way for a while, at least until you develop more skills and get the hang of it (pun intended).
What does this mean? It means the next time you get the urge to buy a dozen BDSM tools and requisites – fight it. Bringing a whole arsenal of objects to the table can complicate the whole experience and make it intimidating for your wife. You don’t want to overwhelm her with too many details at once.
I mean, even if you want to use other stuff and try different practices besides bondage, you’ll discover that there are things lying around the house that can be used. Take a blindfold, for instance: you can use your wife’s scarf or shawl. Or, you can use your business tie when you tie her up the first time.
A blindfold and bondage is a good BDSM combination for a newbie. Blindfolds fall into the category of sensation play, which means that while either enhancing or reducing some of the senses, your pleasure levels go through the roof and you feel stuff more intensely.
So you see, you can use everyday items from your home, rather than whips, chains, leather ropes, spikes, metal, and other, more hardcore – and sometimes expensive – BDSM-specific gear. Of course, use them only if they’re safe for both of you.
Don’t get me wrong – getting these things is super exciting. However, some people can get overwhelmed at the beginning, and become put off by all the bits and pieces.
And if you really wanna buy some BDSM props, the good news is nowadays there’s much more choice for BDSM beginners than there was in the past.
What if one of you has already tried bondage, and the other hasn’t?
This doesn’t mean that you’ll have to skip the talk. In this case, you’ll also need to establish boundaries, and talk about what each of you wants and doesn’t want to do.
You can ask your wife to share their experience of BDSM bondage and see how they liked it. Or, if you’re the one who’s done it before, make sure to share what you know with your wife.
If, however, your wife doesn’t really seem to be into it, don’t force her. Even if one of you has tried something like it before, it doesn’t mean the other will want to do it by default. If your wife says “no” or isn’t into it at the moment, don’t rush it and don’t insist. Give her some time, maybe she’ll change her mind in the future.
And if she doesn’t, no big deal. You can just move on to something that both of you will like.
Final Thoughts on Bondage for Beginners
Even if so far “doggy style” is the most subversive sex pose you’ve tried in the bedroom – no worries, my friends!
As you can see, everyone can “enroll” in Bondage 101 at any point in their sex lives. The most important thing is to have fun, enjoy yourselves and respect each other. Those are the secret ingredients to good sex life in general but are especially integral for the practice of BDSM.
In any case, there isn’t one right way to do sex or BDSM. The rhythm, the roles, the dynamics, and the pain levels you’re willing to endure depend on you two, and you two alone. So it’s best to discuss them as openly and honestly as possible, before surrendering to the appeal of bondage and BDSM.
For more resources on BDSM in general make sure to check out my separate article BDSM for Beginners: The Ultimate Guide.
For your further reading pleasure:
Websites:
theduchy.com:An expert site for all things rope bondage.
twistedmonk.com: One of the best companies out there that sell quality bondage ropes.
shibaristudy.com: Online courses and tutorials for the shibari practice of rope bondage.
Books
Essence of Shibari: Kinbaku and Japanese Rope Bondage
Better Bondage for Every Body: With Rope Bondage Experts From Around the World
Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
